Fair-weather friends, everyone of us has them. They're the type of friends that are always there when it's convenient, or they need something, but when it comes time to return the favor they are never there. Sometimes we can be at fault of being one as well. While they aren't the most reliable, they are generally harmless; it's there darker twin that you have to watch out for.
I'm sure we've all witnessed this. The friend with a lot of issues that you're always helping out, but not only do they not return the favor, but they take everything out on you, even when you had nothing to do with why they're mad.
Life Issue # 4
Lately I have been finding myself hanging out with TH, AA, GA, and DT a lot. We've hung out maybe seven times in the last couple weeks. On St. Paddy's Day, we all went to a picnic with some of DT's college buddies. I brought MW and his friend AL with us. TH couldn't make it. AA, DT, and I didn't have our phones on us so instead of texting GA, TH flipped on us and said some very mean things that were uncalled for.
I would like to state that whatever minuscule crush that I had on TH is gone. Aesthetics doesn't count for personality at all! Even if I ever decided to be moronic enough to go that route after all his bullshit, I wouldn't because MW doesn't approve of him. MW and have to give the one another our approval if we were to seriously date anyone. My lovely best friend was ready to hit TH on my behalf.
I refused to talk to TH after that. After a couple days, I wasn't mad at him, but I wasn't going to talk to him either. I was just gonna let him go. Why should I put myself through anymore drama than I have to? It's not like I owe him anything, and it's not like I've known him that long so it's not like it's hard to just be done with him.
About five days ago I found out that my Aunt Grape is dying. She doesn't have long and she's already getting things ready for her passing. She knows she's going to die and I am devastated that such an amazing person has to die. The following afternoon I found out that my Great Grandfather had passed away. I didn't know what to feel. Everything was kinda warring itself out inside of me.
AA and DT decided that I needed something to take my mind off of everything. So they planned a big thing yesterday to cheer me up. TH had finally apologized so I was fine about him tagging along. Him and DT got into a little row and TH started to storm off. I asked him if he was just gonna leave and he said yes. He said he didn't care about what the day meant to me and it ended in a lot of profanity. He made me cry. AA was not happy with him. TH thought the whole thing was funny.
We left and went to go get something to eat when TH called AA because he left his Nook in the car. We went to go give it to him at his house. He made AA get out of the car to hand it to him. When she told him to apologize he just walked away. I got out of the car and said, "The least you could do is apologize." He just walked away. With everything going on, my stress level hit a high and I had a panic attack.
I haven't talked to him since. This morning I had to go to say goodbye to my Aunt and then go to my Poppy's wake. TH has spent the day making AA miserable. She's upset and doesn't know what to do. I( told her to just drop him.he starts talking to him again before he apologizes, then he won't apologize and he'll keep doing the same thing over and over again. He needs to learn that you can't lash out and treat people like crap and expect them to just deal with it and keep being there. If you hurt someone enough times, then they won't stick around. I've been through enough guys treating me like crap and I am not going to do it again.
On a side note, GA has a thing for MW. She doesn't seem to get that he is gay. And then there is the fact that he is "dating" a girl that happens to be very sweet, and knows that she's bearding. His boyfriends happens to be a good friend of mine also. She's starting to get really annoying with the whole thing. She started using my nickname for him, and she's starting to act just like I do with him. I know this might be paranoia, but it's like she's getting ready to nudge me out and take my place once I move to Canada at the end of the year. He is my best friend, he isn't into girls, and he's in a relationship. She needs to get it through her head.
What really got me was that she told me to not be so possessive over him! I am possessive of the nickname I gave him and I am only possessive of him when some chick comes in and thinks she can turn him straight! MW's brother agrees with me and he wants to set GA right. The two of us have waited for a long time for MW to be in a happy, healthy, stable relationship; MW is finally starting to except himself and his brother and I will be damned if we let some girl ruin that for him.
She also accused me of being in love with him. Yeah, no. Don't get me wrong. I love my MW to death, but I am in no way in love with him. The thought of dating him makes me feel sick, just like the thought of dating anyone does. I do not like the idea of relationships, and I definitely don't partake in them. I am just fine being independent. While I do get crushes and develop feelings for some guys, I just don't want to have a relationship. MW and I are codependent, not in a relationship.
(MW and his boyfriend have some intentions of following me up to Canada and then the three of us are going to rent an apartment together.)
So the main points here are:
1.) TH has been taking his problems out on AA, DT, and I. We don't deserve his backlash when we didn't do anything wrong.
2.) I am not speaking to TH, and I am over my tiny little crush on him. I have nine months left in NJ, and I am not going to spend it in confusion over some guy.
3.) My Aunt Grape is dying, and my Great Grandfather just passed away. I Said goodbye to my Aunt this morning and I went to Poppy's wake this afternoon.
4.) TH knew yesterday was supposed to be about cheering me up and he said he didn't care, said some horrible things to me, AA, and DT. Made me cry and induced a panic/anxiety attack.
5.) GA has a crush on a very gay and very not single MW. She doesn't seem to get the, 'He doesn't like boobies and vaginas' thing. And I am paranoid that she is trying to replace me as MW's best friend.
I'm not sure if things will be okay between TH and I ever again. I know that AA is going to talk to him whether or not he apologizes just because she feels bad. I am not sure if DT and TH will ever be friends again, but I hope things work out for them. I just know that I am not going to put myself in this type of situation again. I've come a long way from the insecure little girl I used to be.
I will admit that I am still insecure at times, but at least I know enough now to realize that I don't need this. I deserve more then to be stepped on by someone who claims to be my friend. If he can't put his need for attention aside for one day, just to be there for someone else, than I don't need him. I can't trust him now, so why would I put myself in a friendship that I can't trust? The whole point of being friends and caring about someone is that it's supposed to go both ways, and for TH it doesn't. All he does is take and yell and then expect everyone to just be fine with it because it's him. It's not okay. I'm not playing games until I leave. If he wants to earn my friendship back, then he's going to have to work for it. Some half arsed apology that I doubt I'll even get that, won't cut it.
If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it, and if you have a question, I'll do my best to answer it.
Until next time, this is Irony wishing you well.
Sincerely,
~ILive4Irony417 a.k.a Amanda.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Leaving, Mothers, and Revenge
I know everyone has at one point or another dealt with revenge. I'm not talking about you, yourself having been involved, but you may have been close with someone mixed up in it. While fun and entertaining for a short period, it is not a great thing to deal with. Recently it has been ongoing between my mother and I.
Life issue #3
My mother has recently been put on some anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and a few other crazy pills. Some of the side effects make her not remember things as well, or at all. You can imagine how well that's working out.
When I was younger, she wasn't exactly strict with me or my sister. While there were many things that we weren't allowed to do that other kids our age could, we weren't very supervised. When we lived in PA, I managed to sneak out a lot. As an elementary school student, that was a huge feat. I will admit to thinking that I was a little bad ass back then, but that's to be expected when you were the honorary sister of the neighborhood bullies.
As I got older, I realized that my mother preferred my sister. (We'll call my sister Sunshine on here.) I resented it for a long time, until I realized that meant I'd get more freedom. She didn't notice when I'd leave most of the time. I spent the majority of my sophomore year in high school living at MW's house. I took up residency on his couch. I started calling his mom Momma 2 that year. I had moved into ZL'B's flat for about three months near the end of the summer after my junior year. He had just come home from Afghanistan, and said I could stay there; I was still his honorary sister after all. She never noticed that I'd left. She thought that I just hadn't left my room.
We'd get into fights, and I'd leave and sometimes wouldn't come back for days. She never really cared about what I did as long as it didn't make her look bad. Hell only knows that when I made a mistake, it was to purposely hurt her....at least that's what she thought. When the school had called her to inform her of my self-mutilation, she asked me why I was doing this to her. Yea, because me cutting myself was my way of trying to get to her. She had no clue that I'd been cutting for years already.
This past November, I announced that I was going to move to Canada for eight months in 2013 for school. I want to be a make-up artist, and the best school for it is in Toronto. I had missed the deadline for 2012, but I still want to go. Now, that I'm going to be leaving, she suddenly enforces this strictness out of nowhere.
She has explicitly made clear her dislike of me being around, yet she is doing everything in her power to sabotage my move to Canada. I don't get her most of the time. Some days things are okay between us but others are like an all out war zone. She has no respect for my personal space and has gone through everything in my room on more than one occasion, and then has told me that I was overreacting because I was mad at her for doing so. I am eighteen now, and no longer hers to push around. I do my part and help pay for things in the house as well as all of my own food, clothes and my sister's phone bill. I pull my weight here, so sh has no right to go through my things.
The last year, she has been complaining that I've spent too much time at home and I need to get out more. With the exception of work, I haven't really been going out much. The last couple weeks, I've been hanging out with my friends more, and now she's mad that I'm always out. I'm still home most of the time when I'm not at work. I take care of my sister, I sneak money into her purse in the middle of the night so she has enough, and doesn't have to keep asking my dad for it since they aren't together anymore.
One of her more recent strict enforcements is a curfew, which I didn't even have before I turned 18. I'm a month away from being 19 and now all of a sudden, she gives me a curfew and not even a reasonable one at that., She wants me to be home by 8pm! I don't know what the hell is going through her head. When I questioned her on this, she said it was because I broke a promise and left a soda can in my room.
I never promised her anything, because I know that if I promise her something, she'd find a way to turn it into something that would bite me in the ass in the end. She doesn't want any food or drinks in my room, but if I try to eat with them at the table, then she makes comments about me being a vegetarian and saying the smell of my food makes her sick, so could I please not eat it around her. If I eat in the living room, then I have to leave because someone else wants to be in there, and I'm not welcomed to stay. I can't survive by only eating one meal on the four days that I work at the deli. I keep snacks in my room, since my vegan/vegetarian health food snacks keep disappearing when I leave them in the cupboard. (For all the people I live with complaining about who icky my taste in food is, they sure like to eat my snacks.) I eat my meals in my room, and yes, sometimes I forget to take the plates and bowls out with me, but I do get them out the next day if I forget.
The most recent thing that she's done, that has cemented one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, was something unforgivable. I need to get my papers in order so I can get my passport, so I can go to school in Canada. My mom, dad and I got all of my papers together, and Mama said to let her keep the papers for right now so they don't get lost. Last week I was going to get everything for my passport, but she "lost" the papers.
I asked her for them, and she told me she didn't know where they were, and it was my fault for giving then to her while she was getting used to her new meds. I thought she was joking since she was laughing, but she didn't know where she put my papers and she thought it was fucking hysterical. I wanted to cry. Everyday for the last week, I've asked her if she'd found them, or even looked for them, but she kept saying that she forgot to look, or she hadn';t found them. I asked her again earlier, and she just laughed and said she hadn't found them. I told her it wasn't funny anymore. I got everything ready so I could take a shower, and while I was in the bathroom, my dad asked her what wasn't funny anymore and she said the she knew where my papers were, but why should she go out of her way for someone when they don't listen to her or break promises.
I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut and took my shower. She kept the papers I needed for school away from me over promises that didn't exist, a can of soda, and the fact that I can't be at her beck and call because I have work. She was going to jeopardize my future over a fucking can of soda! And she insists that I'm the one who has something wrong in the head.
So the main points here are:
1.) My mother couldn't have cared less about what I did before she found out I was leaving.
2.) She has imposed a whole set of unreasonable rules for me to follow, after I turned eighteen and now pay for all of my own things, as well as my sister's phone, and giving my mother money whenever she needs it.
3.) She hid my papers for school on me, nearly jeopardizing my future, just because she thought it was justifiable revenge for me leaving a can of soda in my room.
I don't know if I'm overreacting or not, but I don't think I can forgive her for this. I was up in the air about whether or not I was going to stay in Canada after the eight months, but this pretty much cemented my decision. After the eight months, I'm going to stay there; I am not coming back only to deal with her all over again. I'm done with her games, and as soon as I can, I want her to no longer be a major factor in my life.
Earlier she told my dad that she was worried about me, but she spent the last week watching me breakdown into an emotional wreck and have panic attack after panic attack, with a smile on her face, over my lost papers, that she had all along. To me, that doesn't sound like she was worried much. I don't know, does it sound like she was worried to you? I've been known to overreact, so I would very much like your feedback and advice. I just don't know what to do about this.
I'm not saying that she's a bad mother. In fact, when it comes to Sunshine, or anybody else's kids, she's a wonderful parent. It's just that when it comes to me, she's a different person. She's not a huge fan of my father, and not only do I look like his side of the family, I act just like him. It can't be helped, but it doesn't mean that it hurts any less.
As always, leave your comments and advice, and if you have any questions, I will answer them as honestly as I am able.
Until next time...
Sincerely,
ILive4Irony a.k.a Amanda
Life issue #3
My mother has recently been put on some anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and a few other crazy pills. Some of the side effects make her not remember things as well, or at all. You can imagine how well that's working out.
When I was younger, she wasn't exactly strict with me or my sister. While there were many things that we weren't allowed to do that other kids our age could, we weren't very supervised. When we lived in PA, I managed to sneak out a lot. As an elementary school student, that was a huge feat. I will admit to thinking that I was a little bad ass back then, but that's to be expected when you were the honorary sister of the neighborhood bullies.
As I got older, I realized that my mother preferred my sister. (We'll call my sister Sunshine on here.) I resented it for a long time, until I realized that meant I'd get more freedom. She didn't notice when I'd leave most of the time. I spent the majority of my sophomore year in high school living at MW's house. I took up residency on his couch. I started calling his mom Momma 2 that year. I had moved into ZL'B's flat for about three months near the end of the summer after my junior year. He had just come home from Afghanistan, and said I could stay there; I was still his honorary sister after all. She never noticed that I'd left. She thought that I just hadn't left my room.
We'd get into fights, and I'd leave and sometimes wouldn't come back for days. She never really cared about what I did as long as it didn't make her look bad. Hell only knows that when I made a mistake, it was to purposely hurt her....at least that's what she thought. When the school had called her to inform her of my self-mutilation, she asked me why I was doing this to her. Yea, because me cutting myself was my way of trying to get to her. She had no clue that I'd been cutting for years already.
This past November, I announced that I was going to move to Canada for eight months in 2013 for school. I want to be a make-up artist, and the best school for it is in Toronto. I had missed the deadline for 2012, but I still want to go. Now, that I'm going to be leaving, she suddenly enforces this strictness out of nowhere.
She has explicitly made clear her dislike of me being around, yet she is doing everything in her power to sabotage my move to Canada. I don't get her most of the time. Some days things are okay between us but others are like an all out war zone. She has no respect for my personal space and has gone through everything in my room on more than one occasion, and then has told me that I was overreacting because I was mad at her for doing so. I am eighteen now, and no longer hers to push around. I do my part and help pay for things in the house as well as all of my own food, clothes and my sister's phone bill. I pull my weight here, so sh has no right to go through my things.
The last year, she has been complaining that I've spent too much time at home and I need to get out more. With the exception of work, I haven't really been going out much. The last couple weeks, I've been hanging out with my friends more, and now she's mad that I'm always out. I'm still home most of the time when I'm not at work. I take care of my sister, I sneak money into her purse in the middle of the night so she has enough, and doesn't have to keep asking my dad for it since they aren't together anymore.
One of her more recent strict enforcements is a curfew, which I didn't even have before I turned 18. I'm a month away from being 19 and now all of a sudden, she gives me a curfew and not even a reasonable one at that., She wants me to be home by 8pm! I don't know what the hell is going through her head. When I questioned her on this, she said it was because I broke a promise and left a soda can in my room.
I never promised her anything, because I know that if I promise her something, she'd find a way to turn it into something that would bite me in the ass in the end. She doesn't want any food or drinks in my room, but if I try to eat with them at the table, then she makes comments about me being a vegetarian and saying the smell of my food makes her sick, so could I please not eat it around her. If I eat in the living room, then I have to leave because someone else wants to be in there, and I'm not welcomed to stay. I can't survive by only eating one meal on the four days that I work at the deli. I keep snacks in my room, since my vegan/vegetarian health food snacks keep disappearing when I leave them in the cupboard. (For all the people I live with complaining about who icky my taste in food is, they sure like to eat my snacks.) I eat my meals in my room, and yes, sometimes I forget to take the plates and bowls out with me, but I do get them out the next day if I forget.
The most recent thing that she's done, that has cemented one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, was something unforgivable. I need to get my papers in order so I can get my passport, so I can go to school in Canada. My mom, dad and I got all of my papers together, and Mama said to let her keep the papers for right now so they don't get lost. Last week I was going to get everything for my passport, but she "lost" the papers.
I asked her for them, and she told me she didn't know where they were, and it was my fault for giving then to her while she was getting used to her new meds. I thought she was joking since she was laughing, but she didn't know where she put my papers and she thought it was fucking hysterical. I wanted to cry. Everyday for the last week, I've asked her if she'd found them, or even looked for them, but she kept saying that she forgot to look, or she hadn';t found them. I asked her again earlier, and she just laughed and said she hadn't found them. I told her it wasn't funny anymore. I got everything ready so I could take a shower, and while I was in the bathroom, my dad asked her what wasn't funny anymore and she said the she knew where my papers were, but why should she go out of her way for someone when they don't listen to her or break promises.
I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut and took my shower. She kept the papers I needed for school away from me over promises that didn't exist, a can of soda, and the fact that I can't be at her beck and call because I have work. She was going to jeopardize my future over a fucking can of soda! And she insists that I'm the one who has something wrong in the head.
So the main points here are:
1.) My mother couldn't have cared less about what I did before she found out I was leaving.
2.) She has imposed a whole set of unreasonable rules for me to follow, after I turned eighteen and now pay for all of my own things, as well as my sister's phone, and giving my mother money whenever she needs it.
3.) She hid my papers for school on me, nearly jeopardizing my future, just because she thought it was justifiable revenge for me leaving a can of soda in my room.
I don't know if I'm overreacting or not, but I don't think I can forgive her for this. I was up in the air about whether or not I was going to stay in Canada after the eight months, but this pretty much cemented my decision. After the eight months, I'm going to stay there; I am not coming back only to deal with her all over again. I'm done with her games, and as soon as I can, I want her to no longer be a major factor in my life.
Earlier she told my dad that she was worried about me, but she spent the last week watching me breakdown into an emotional wreck and have panic attack after panic attack, with a smile on her face, over my lost papers, that she had all along. To me, that doesn't sound like she was worried much. I don't know, does it sound like she was worried to you? I've been known to overreact, so I would very much like your feedback and advice. I just don't know what to do about this.
I'm not saying that she's a bad mother. In fact, when it comes to Sunshine, or anybody else's kids, she's a wonderful parent. It's just that when it comes to me, she's a different person. She's not a huge fan of my father, and not only do I look like his side of the family, I act just like him. It can't be helped, but it doesn't mean that it hurts any less.
As always, leave your comments and advice, and if you have any questions, I will answer them as honestly as I am able.
Until next time...
Sincerely,
ILive4Irony a.k.a Amanda
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