Toxic Friends, Learning, and Growing Up

This will be the first in a new type of post. I have the Life Issues, so now I give you Lessons Learned. There are those moments in your life that you realize something. There's an epiphany and you suddenly realize that something you thought of as one way really isn't that way. We are always learning. Sometimes those lessons aren't easy; sometimes they may take years to finally settle in.

I have recently had one of those moments. I have or more accurately, had, a friend that was toxic to me. She's a hypocrite and always has to have her own way. She says she wants to kill herself for attention, but really has no intention of doing so. She tells everyone that she has bipolar disorder when she's never even been to a doctor to be checked for it. She only says she has it so she can use it as an excuse for throwing temper fits and being a flat out bitch to all of us. She admitted it to Megara that she's never actually been diagnosed or treated for it.

She looks down on everyone who doesn't share her opinion. She uses her religion as an excuse to not do things. Her sister, who's the same religion, has told us that nothing in their religion says she can't go into an herbal medicine store. I practice natural healing, which is actually an encouraged thing in most cultures. She has said on more than one occasion that everyone who she doesn't like, and she really doesn't like anyone, should die. She hates people that she doesn't even know!

So here it is, the first installment of:

Lessons Learned #1

Red Queen and I have been friends since we were 13. We've always been close, with the exception of the year we didn't speak. She's always been a big part of my life. When I met her, I didn't really know who I was. I wasn't really sure of anything. Red Queen was so self assured and knew exactly what she wanted. She had strong opinions. I latched onto her. I let her opinions become my own for awhile. I didn't tell her if I happened to disagree with her. I stayed in the back and let her do what she wanted. I let her be my voice for years.

When we stopped talking for that one year, I found out different things about myself. I started to find my own voice and opinions. I had a backbone and could stand up to anyone, except for her. I stayed quiet, and let it go when she said or did something that I didn't agree with. She had been there for me for so long that I felt I owed it to her to not say anything, to listen and blindly agree. 

In the past couple of months, Red Queen has been showing her true colors more and more. It will always have to be her way or no way. She is only happy if I stay quiet, if I just agree with her. She gets mad if someone would rather talk to me than her. When PJ brought the two of us to one of his friend's concerts, she threw a fit because I got along better with everyone there than she did. Concerts are my thing, it's my scene, and it really isn't hers. When PJ's other friends were chatting with us and talking about music and our favorite concerts, I joined in. I've been to quite a few concerts, done some stupid things while at them. Red Queen hadn't been to a real concert before. She didn't have stories to share. Instead of asking us about our stories or even trying to join in, she stormed off. She had never been to the town the concert was held in before; it is mostly definitely not the place to be wandering around in at night, especially if you don't know your way around.

But I didn't get mad. I went to find her, and I thankfully did. PJ took over talking to her, and I enjoyed what was left of the concert. Eventually Red Queen chilled out and joined us. She didn't talk to anyone that wasn't me or PJ, but she was happy. I let it go. She was my friend and I had to be nice.

All of it had been building up to the breaking point, which was hit last night. It all blew up in a text fight of all things. Though if I had seen her in person, I might have killed her. 

Some background first. Abby (not her real name) and I were best friends for four years. things happened and our friendship ended up in flames. It took a couple years, but we had sat down and actually talked out what had happened between us. Her and I will never be friends again, but we had owed it to our former friendship and to each other to get rid of the anger and the grudge. Abby and I can respect each other now,  but we know and understand that we are better off not being in each other's lives.

When Abby and I were younger, she spent two weeks living with me because of her step father. Abby grew up watching her step father beating her mother. When she tried to stop him one time, she ended up with glass in her arm from a vase and a dictionary thrown at her head. She stayed with us until her wounds healed up enough. She is against domestic abuse and will never let her son be raised around it.

And all of you remember Morgan the Perv from my last update post? Yeah, the Red Queen was out hanging with him and Femme Fetale last night. Remember how Morgan beats woman? Especially the minors? Yeah, shit hit the fan last night. 

It started out simply enough. I was a little text that turned into a blow out fight that ended a seven year friendship.

Red Queen: Are you at the Commons?

Me: No. Why?

Red Queen: Just Wondering.

Me: Don't worry, none of us are  there.

Red Queen: Good.

Me: Next weekend though, we will be there. Good to know you're we aren't there.

Red Queen: Cause I'm hanging out with Morgan at this moment.

Me: I know. Called PJ to let him know not to go over there tonight. Didn't want him going to jail for beating someone not worth the effort.

(I would like to add that PJ has Morgan listed as "Kill On Sight". He will not forgive Morgan for what he has done to Flotsom. He does not like what Morgan did to Megara, my sisters and I.)

Red Queen: We aren't even there.

Me: You asked me. I took precaution. The group does not need another police incident. Especially at the Commons. And by that, I mean the cop who has it out for PJ's car.

(The Commons is the shopping plaza that our group of friends usually hangs out at on a weekly basis. And let us not forget the police incident that Morgan got himself into for getting Flotsom drunk and putting her in the hospital. Morgan is a 22 year old man. Flotsom is 17.)

Red Queen: I asked you to see if you were there cause they wanted to go. Now they don't.

Me: Ok. I didn't know that when I called. Again, would rather not have him (PJ) in jail. Breet Girl and I cannot get him to let go of the anger. It is a precaution.

Red Queen: Me either. But all of you need to get over this shit. You really do. You are all being immature.

Me: Not trusting him (Morgan) or not being comfortable around him isn't being immature. The anger may be. Forgiving someone for messing with your family is hard to do. Getting rid of toxic people in your life isn't immature; it's being an adult and moving on. Morgan is not worth being in some of our lives, and that includes my family's as well.

Red Queen: Yeah and you haven't done shit that isn't forgivable right? At least I'm being an adult and forgiving someone for what they have done. You are not being an adult at all. You are just really taking sides. All of you. I'm not on anyone's side with this. You all are being fucking immature about the whole damn situation.

Me: It wasn't your family Red Queen, it was mine he hurt and messed with. Not everyone has to be kept around. I will never agree with a man hurting a woman. I am not okay with an adult man acting that way with underage girls.

Red Queen: I was there he didn't do shit.

(That'/s funny. When the crap went down with Morgan and Flotsom, Jetsom was the only one who was there. And she was there when Morgan hit on my then 15 year old sister. She saw him getting way to handsy with Sunshine.  My parents saw that. My dad didn't like it one bit. She wasn't there when he inappropriately groped my 12 year old sister. Her sister saw that one though, and she made hi back away from my sister.)

Me: Red Queen, being an adult isn't taking everyone back in your life because they feel bad. Being an adult is doing what is best for you and the people you care about. Family isn't just blood and you forget that Flotsom is my cousin. It isn't taking sides. He is not good for my life and I am not having that toxic behavior in  my life.

Red Queen: No, you only knoe Flotsom's side of the damn story. You don't know the whole story. You didn't even get Morgan's side of the story cause you refuse to listen to his side. Yet you listen to Flotsom's. Okay, that is taking sides, Amanda. You, PJ, Knave, and whoever else took Flotsom's side and believed everything she said. You have hurt people too and they probably have forgiven you. Abby, for example, at least you both have a little respect for each other.

(That was the WRONG thing for her to say. First, Abby was the one who slept with the guy I was with. She hurt me. I didn't hurt her...until the revenge went too far, but I wasn't alone in that one. Second, Red Queen is using a victim of domestic abuse as a reason for me to forgive a grown man who assaults, and gropes underage girls. That was the breaking point. I couldn't handle Red Queen anymore. I couldn't sit back and let her think that everyone has to bow down to her. What kind of person uses a victim of domestic abuse to defend a domestic abuser?)

Me: I did listen to Morgan's side. I was on the phone with him the night it happened. I don't fully believe either of them. If you hadn't noticed, I'm not entirely comfortable with Flotsom either, but she's family. I don't want Morgan in my life for quite a few other reasons. It isn't taking sides when Flotsom is family so she will always be in my life. My problem with Morgan started the night we got into the fight at you house. That was before he even knew Flotsom. Wanna accuse me of picking sides? Learn why I don't want him in my life first. And Abby is a different story; we had about four years of being best friends. Her and I had history and she was a big part of my life, that's why I wanted to be on civil ground with her. I don't have history with Morgan. I owe him nothing. I will not be friends with someone that will only bring drama and anxiety into my life.

I'm sick enough, sweetie, I'm not going to bring someone into my life that will cause more problems then I can handle. Bringing him back into my life isn't worth the stress it would put on my body. I think looking after my own health is my top priority. Not your twisted version of maturity.

Face it, in 5 years we will be lucky if we still talk to even five of the people we are friends with now. If we're really lucky we may still be good friends with two of them. Not everyone is meant to stay and certain people just shouldn't be kept around. Not everyone has to stay friends and play nice, shit happens. Growing up and being an adult is moving on and handling what you have to. People come and go; not everyone we meet is our obligation to keep around. Not everyone moves ahead with us. Sometimes being an adult is moving forward alone. We are adults now Red Queen, it's time we started acting like it. Not everything can be fixed with apologies and not everything will work out. I will stop talking about Morgan if you can except that I have a right to not want him in my own life.

Red Queen: You aren't being an adult. You really need to get over it. All of you. You are acting like little fucking babies. And no you didn't fucking listen to his side. I know you didn't because you told me you didn't.

(Funny that she says I told her something I know I didn't. I said I wouldn't listen to him trash talk Flotsom and Jetsom at the table in the restaurant we were all sitting in. Not listening to him trash my friends is a different thing. I had already heard his side before that. I didn't need to keep hearing him tell the same story 20 different ways, using worse language to describe my friends each time.)

Me; I spent an hour on the phone with him crying about it the night it happened. Have the phone bill to prove it too. You aren't being an adult either. You can't respect anyone's opinion that isn't yours. I can tolerate Morgan enough to no longer bad mouth him but you need to respect my decision to not want him in my life.  That's a compromise. That is being mature. If you can't find a middle ground and will only accept your way or no way then this isn't going to work.

~~~~~~~~~~~

And that was it. Red Queen did't respond back. I did get a text message from Red Queen's sister though. That convo was as follows;

Lafayette: You & REd Queen stop fighting..

Me: I said my piece. I'm done now. She brought Abby into it and I lost it. I am very sorry if this is causing you any stress. You are one of my best friends and I don't want anything to come between us but I can't handle  your sister's high horse anymore. It has to be her way or you're wrong. I will not take her looking down on me for  not agreeing with her anymore; it's driving me crazy. I love you, but I  don't think I can handle Red Queen anymore.

Lafayette: I'm already stressed that my sister is possibly leaving the state. If you two are done being friends fine. Sometimes it's not meant to be. And how Red Queen is, that's how she is. You deal with her or you don't. I'm not discussing this anymore. It's done and over with. Move on. 

Me: As long as it doesn't affect out friendship. I still care about Red Queen, but like you said some things aren't  meant to be...not matter how much I wish they were. It's sad to know we're all growing up and apart. I just hope that we can still be okay.

~~~~~~

I haven't heard from either sister since. I love Lafayette. She's an amazing friend, but Red Queen is her sister and I understand that she's most likely mad at me. It's a tough pill to swallow, but the price of getting a toxic person out of my life may just being losing a friend that I truly care about. 

The lesson learned here is that sometimes the friends you've had the longest, aren't the ones that will stand by you. Just because you were close when you were younger, doesn't mean that they aren't hurting you. Sometimes you've been around it for so lang that you become used to it. You don't realize how much they are holding you back, how much they mistreat you until it's too late.

You may notice it, but think you owe it to them to brush it under the rug and forget about it. Sometimes you really need to stand back and think. Have they really done anything to help you? Have they ever given you a reason to owe them? Have you given more than they have? While you're working hard and stressing yourself out to keep the friendship going, are they even trying? How do they get us into thinking that we owe them at all when all they do is use us as doormats? The truth is we don't owe them and we don't need them. Sometimes the most toxic people in our lives are the ones that we thought were our closest friends. 

Not everyone is going to stay with us forever. We will stand alone sometimes. We may feel like we made a horrible choice in getting rid of the people that are bringing us down, but it will get better. It may not seem better now, or it may seem brighter instantly. Eventually everything will work out like they're supposed to. If we can count on one hand, the number on friends we know will stand behind us and have our back, then we can count ourselves lucky. 

True friends are hard to come by, but we can't keep the toxic ones around because we're afraid of what will happen when they're gone. It will just end up hurting us in the long run. So get rid of the toxic "friends", be strong if you have to stand alone for awhile, because the friends that are worth it, the ones that will stand by you through everything, they will find their way to you eventually. You just have to keep moving forward and know you made the right choice. 

If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it, and if you have a question, I'll do my best to answer it.

Until next time,  I wish you well.

 

Sincerely, 

Irony. 

New Year, New Adventures, Same Crazy Roller Coaster

Things have been a little hectic over here but that's no reason to neglect you guys. I'll give you a little rundown of the chaos. 

1.) The deli is closed down. We were told right before Sandy hit. So I am out of a job. 

2.) My great-grandmother died last month.

3.) My sister, Sunshine, turned 16 last month.

4.) My youngest sister turned 7 on the 2nd.

5.) Femme Fatale's little brother passed away right before Christmas.

6.) My Pop-pop is in a nursing home now. He cannot go back home or my Uncle will get arrested for elderly abuse. Not sure if I already told y'all that.

7.) Sunshine got herself a boyfriend!

And lastly, I have a new cast in my life. Out with the old in with the new! I realized that certain people just don't belong in my life anymore..though there are some that I still have worked up the courage to kick out of it. I keep trying to reason my cowardice by saying that I'm moving to Canada in April, I just don't want to cause drama now.

Sunshine ~ My now 16 year old half sister. We possibly have different fathers. My mother isn't too sure on that one. She just got her first boyfriend. She has one of the worst attitudes I have ever seen. It's to the point she's just saying things to purposely hurt everyone around her. Bitch.

Brighty ~ My 12 year old step sister. She has ADD, and is a little out there. She likes to thin that she's older than she is. We've been trying to get it through her head that she can't keep chatting up people she doesn't know online, and we really need to get her to stop giving out her cell n\umber to them!

Chunk-a-Muffin ~ My youngest step sister. She is adorably pudgey. She is full of energy and imagination. Though she tends to say things that we have no clue where she learned it from. (The dreaded "I'm gonorrhea-saurus!" phrase from August....)

Megara ~ As always, we have my best friend. She has finally raised her GPA enough to transfer to the school she actually wants to go to. Let's hope Spidey-boy gets jealous enough to confess to her.\

Mad Hatter/Hatter ~ My baby! He is and always will be one of the most important people to me. I may have outed him and his boyfriend to some of my family...whoops!

March Hare/Mad March ~ My hopefully, soon-to-be brother-in-law. The Mad Hatter's boyfriend. He calls me his sister now!

Femme Fatale ~ She has finally decided to stay single for awhile. About time! And she is kicking Morgan the pedophile top the curb! (I will explain about him after this.)

Dodger ~ He's still the same. Only now I can actually stay pissed at him. So getting even with him..he needs to not treat me like I can't do anything!

Cheshire ~ I wish we could talk more, but things just get really crazy sometimes. Cross continent friendships are hard, but we've managed for about 3 years now.

Now we have everyone else. They are the group that calls them selves the Kittens. Megara and I belong in this group.

P.J.~ This is the new name for Dee. He finally managed to land himself an awesome girlfriend. That's something the Red Queen isn't exactly thrilled about. He's happier that I've seen him in awhile.

Beret Girl ~ P.J.'s girlfriend! I new her in high school. She's pretty cool and very fun to be around. We always have a great time when we all go out. With her in the group, we have added some more of our hometown friends. The group has become lighter and more fun since she joined.

Red Queen ~ She is still the same. Causing drama and getting mad at us for no reason at all. She's starting to get on every one's nerves, including her own sister. We are all walking on eggshells to not piss her off, lest she kill us all. She is currently with a beau but she is extremely jealous of P.J. and Beret Girl's relationship.

Lafayette ~ Formally known as Tiger Lily. She is still the same crazy girl she was. We've started hanging out more again, and I'm glad. I may not get along with her sister half of the time, but at least it isn't straining our friendship.

Tweedle Dee ~ He is fabulous! He shares my love of Batman and all things DC. He's a Naruto fan, pansexual, and completely amazing! I've known him for a couple years and it's great actually being able to hand out with him without all the drama.

Tweedle Dum ~ He is amazing with cameras. I shouldn't be surprised since he's amazing at TV and production club. He's a great person to be friends with, and he's very understanding. He's one of those crazy fun people that have a really comforting presence. 

Big Mama ~ She hasn't been in the group long, but she is fun and definitely someone I can't wait to hang out with more.

Flotsom ~ She is a little ball of hyper-active sexual energy. There is no other way to put her. She's entertaining and fun to be around. She's adorable. Her and the Knave of Hearts have sexual tension that is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. They would make an adorable couple if they just got their act together, and actually got together.

Knave of Hearts ~ He is only 16 but when we're all hanging out, it's really easy to forget that. I wouldn't have even known. When I first met him, I thought he was 18/19. He runs track, is sexy as all Hell, and happens to be so sweet. I stupidly have ended up with actual feelings for him. It's so fucked up. Not only is the 3 year age difference a big deal, he's in love with someone else, and she happens to be dating an ass hole, but has no problem having her mouth attached to him at all times when they are hanging out. I know in 10 years the 3 year difference won't be a big deal, but right now it is. I'm leaving in a couple months and will be gone for almost a year. By then Flotsom and Knave should be happily together. Doesn't make make the pain in my chest hurt any less, but I know it's best this way. With the exception of Megara, the Tweedles, PJ and Beret Girl, no one knows. Well Lafayette does...some of them figured it out, and they all just tried making me feel better about the whole thing. I don't think I would've made it through that night without some of them.

Jetsom ~ Flotsom's best friend. She is one of the most interesting people I have ever met. She is truly one of a kind, and I'm lucky I got to meet her. She made an interesting impression on my dad and Sunshine. I hope I stay friends with her for a long time.

Ling ~ He is the most normal of the group...and that's saying something about us. Our friendship started quite interestingly. Alcohol was involved..and he had to help me in my house because I couldn't walk straight. I almost would've went out with him, but I'm glad I didn't. I like him better as a friend.

Okay! So now it is time to explain Morgan the pedophile!

So it's a long story.....I will just summarize it. He was friends with Lafayette and Femme Fatale's ex. He tried to hook-up with me, I introduced him to Megara. He Made inappropriate passes at my then 15 year old and 12 year old sisters. He's 22. He threatens to leave me a far ways from my home because I said I  wouldn't marry him..I'd only known him a week. He yelled at me when Megara turned him down. We find out he keeps a lot of naked pictures of his Ex gf's on his computer. He buys some of the Kitten's alcohol. We all get drunk. He gets Flotsom drunk a couple times after this when it was just her. It ends up with Jetsom going outside to see Morgan screaming and going nuts on Flotsom, and her crying on the ground. He proceeds to trash talk the two of them, then quite a few of the Kittens. He tries to talk about me to Megara through texts while I'm sitting across the table from him. I get mad and tell him off. He talks about me to Jetsom. Megara tells him that we are half-sisters, and he finally leaves her alone. He gets engaged to a 16 year old that may have given him Hep C. They enter a triad with Holez. That ends with a restraining order, the 16 year-old's head bashed in a wall, and Morgan doing a quick stink in the Nut House. Him and Hoelz decide to be together. after a couple weeks they decide they want to have a baby. Now it's been a month and they are engaged. Lafayette told him off 2 days ago, as did Femme Fatale. He isn't talking to any of us now. He told Femme Fatale that he didn't want to hear it when her little brother died, but he expected her to listen to his relationship problems. He is an ass hole.

That's a quick recap of everything since the middle of October. It's been fun, crazy, depressing and totally fucked up. Glad the year is finally done, but I know new problems lie ahead, and I'm ready for it. It's a new year, and I'm not exactly the same as I was but i'm still me. I'm ready to kick ass this year. The Kittens will be taking over! And hopefully my book will be published. Look forward to the up coming year everyone! In a couple months, all new people will be coming in. A whole new life in another country! Be prepared because Heaven knows I'm not!

Until next time,

Sincerely, 

Irony