Toxic Friends, Learning, and Growing Up

This will be the first in a new type of post. I have the Life Issues, so now I give you Lessons Learned. There are those moments in your life that you realize something. There's an epiphany and you suddenly realize that something you thought of as one way really isn't that way. We are always learning. Sometimes those lessons aren't easy; sometimes they may take years to finally settle in.

I have recently had one of those moments. I have or more accurately, had, a friend that was toxic to me. She's a hypocrite and always has to have her own way. She says she wants to kill herself for attention, but really has no intention of doing so. She tells everyone that she has bipolar disorder when she's never even been to a doctor to be checked for it. She only says she has it so she can use it as an excuse for throwing temper fits and being a flat out bitch to all of us. She admitted it to Megara that she's never actually been diagnosed or treated for it.

She looks down on everyone who doesn't share her opinion. She uses her religion as an excuse to not do things. Her sister, who's the same religion, has told us that nothing in their religion says she can't go into an herbal medicine store. I practice natural healing, which is actually an encouraged thing in most cultures. She has said on more than one occasion that everyone who she doesn't like, and she really doesn't like anyone, should die. She hates people that she doesn't even know!

So here it is, the first installment of:

Lessons Learned #1

Red Queen and I have been friends since we were 13. We've always been close, with the exception of the year we didn't speak. She's always been a big part of my life. When I met her, I didn't really know who I was. I wasn't really sure of anything. Red Queen was so self assured and knew exactly what she wanted. She had strong opinions. I latched onto her. I let her opinions become my own for awhile. I didn't tell her if I happened to disagree with her. I stayed in the back and let her do what she wanted. I let her be my voice for years.

When we stopped talking for that one year, I found out different things about myself. I started to find my own voice and opinions. I had a backbone and could stand up to anyone, except for her. I stayed quiet, and let it go when she said or did something that I didn't agree with. She had been there for me for so long that I felt I owed it to her to not say anything, to listen and blindly agree. 

In the past couple of months, Red Queen has been showing her true colors more and more. It will always have to be her way or no way. She is only happy if I stay quiet, if I just agree with her. She gets mad if someone would rather talk to me than her. When PJ brought the two of us to one of his friend's concerts, she threw a fit because I got along better with everyone there than she did. Concerts are my thing, it's my scene, and it really isn't hers. When PJ's other friends were chatting with us and talking about music and our favorite concerts, I joined in. I've been to quite a few concerts, done some stupid things while at them. Red Queen hadn't been to a real concert before. She didn't have stories to share. Instead of asking us about our stories or even trying to join in, she stormed off. She had never been to the town the concert was held in before; it is mostly definitely not the place to be wandering around in at night, especially if you don't know your way around.

But I didn't get mad. I went to find her, and I thankfully did. PJ took over talking to her, and I enjoyed what was left of the concert. Eventually Red Queen chilled out and joined us. She didn't talk to anyone that wasn't me or PJ, but she was happy. I let it go. She was my friend and I had to be nice.

All of it had been building up to the breaking point, which was hit last night. It all blew up in a text fight of all things. Though if I had seen her in person, I might have killed her. 

Some background first. Abby (not her real name) and I were best friends for four years. things happened and our friendship ended up in flames. It took a couple years, but we had sat down and actually talked out what had happened between us. Her and I will never be friends again, but we had owed it to our former friendship and to each other to get rid of the anger and the grudge. Abby and I can respect each other now,  but we know and understand that we are better off not being in each other's lives.

When Abby and I were younger, she spent two weeks living with me because of her step father. Abby grew up watching her step father beating her mother. When she tried to stop him one time, she ended up with glass in her arm from a vase and a dictionary thrown at her head. She stayed with us until her wounds healed up enough. She is against domestic abuse and will never let her son be raised around it.

And all of you remember Morgan the Perv from my last update post? Yeah, the Red Queen was out hanging with him and Femme Fetale last night. Remember how Morgan beats woman? Especially the minors? Yeah, shit hit the fan last night. 

It started out simply enough. I was a little text that turned into a blow out fight that ended a seven year friendship.

Red Queen: Are you at the Commons?

Me: No. Why?

Red Queen: Just Wondering.

Me: Don't worry, none of us are  there.

Red Queen: Good.

Me: Next weekend though, we will be there. Good to know you're we aren't there.

Red Queen: Cause I'm hanging out with Morgan at this moment.

Me: I know. Called PJ to let him know not to go over there tonight. Didn't want him going to jail for beating someone not worth the effort.

(I would like to add that PJ has Morgan listed as "Kill On Sight". He will not forgive Morgan for what he has done to Flotsom. He does not like what Morgan did to Megara, my sisters and I.)

Red Queen: We aren't even there.

Me: You asked me. I took precaution. The group does not need another police incident. Especially at the Commons. And by that, I mean the cop who has it out for PJ's car.

(The Commons is the shopping plaza that our group of friends usually hangs out at on a weekly basis. And let us not forget the police incident that Morgan got himself into for getting Flotsom drunk and putting her in the hospital. Morgan is a 22 year old man. Flotsom is 17.)

Red Queen: I asked you to see if you were there cause they wanted to go. Now they don't.

Me: Ok. I didn't know that when I called. Again, would rather not have him (PJ) in jail. Breet Girl and I cannot get him to let go of the anger. It is a precaution.

Red Queen: Me either. But all of you need to get over this shit. You really do. You are all being immature.

Me: Not trusting him (Morgan) or not being comfortable around him isn't being immature. The anger may be. Forgiving someone for messing with your family is hard to do. Getting rid of toxic people in your life isn't immature; it's being an adult and moving on. Morgan is not worth being in some of our lives, and that includes my family's as well.

Red Queen: Yeah and you haven't done shit that isn't forgivable right? At least I'm being an adult and forgiving someone for what they have done. You are not being an adult at all. You are just really taking sides. All of you. I'm not on anyone's side with this. You all are being fucking immature about the whole damn situation.

Me: It wasn't your family Red Queen, it was mine he hurt and messed with. Not everyone has to be kept around. I will never agree with a man hurting a woman. I am not okay with an adult man acting that way with underage girls.

Red Queen: I was there he didn't do shit.

(That'/s funny. When the crap went down with Morgan and Flotsom, Jetsom was the only one who was there. And she was there when Morgan hit on my then 15 year old sister. She saw him getting way to handsy with Sunshine.  My parents saw that. My dad didn't like it one bit. She wasn't there when he inappropriately groped my 12 year old sister. Her sister saw that one though, and she made hi back away from my sister.)

Me: Red Queen, being an adult isn't taking everyone back in your life because they feel bad. Being an adult is doing what is best for you and the people you care about. Family isn't just blood and you forget that Flotsom is my cousin. It isn't taking sides. He is not good for my life and I am not having that toxic behavior in  my life.

Red Queen: No, you only knoe Flotsom's side of the damn story. You don't know the whole story. You didn't even get Morgan's side of the story cause you refuse to listen to his side. Yet you listen to Flotsom's. Okay, that is taking sides, Amanda. You, PJ, Knave, and whoever else took Flotsom's side and believed everything she said. You have hurt people too and they probably have forgiven you. Abby, for example, at least you both have a little respect for each other.

(That was the WRONG thing for her to say. First, Abby was the one who slept with the guy I was with. She hurt me. I didn't hurt her...until the revenge went too far, but I wasn't alone in that one. Second, Red Queen is using a victim of domestic abuse as a reason for me to forgive a grown man who assaults, and gropes underage girls. That was the breaking point. I couldn't handle Red Queen anymore. I couldn't sit back and let her think that everyone has to bow down to her. What kind of person uses a victim of domestic abuse to defend a domestic abuser?)

Me: I did listen to Morgan's side. I was on the phone with him the night it happened. I don't fully believe either of them. If you hadn't noticed, I'm not entirely comfortable with Flotsom either, but she's family. I don't want Morgan in my life for quite a few other reasons. It isn't taking sides when Flotsom is family so she will always be in my life. My problem with Morgan started the night we got into the fight at you house. That was before he even knew Flotsom. Wanna accuse me of picking sides? Learn why I don't want him in my life first. And Abby is a different story; we had about four years of being best friends. Her and I had history and she was a big part of my life, that's why I wanted to be on civil ground with her. I don't have history with Morgan. I owe him nothing. I will not be friends with someone that will only bring drama and anxiety into my life.

I'm sick enough, sweetie, I'm not going to bring someone into my life that will cause more problems then I can handle. Bringing him back into my life isn't worth the stress it would put on my body. I think looking after my own health is my top priority. Not your twisted version of maturity.

Face it, in 5 years we will be lucky if we still talk to even five of the people we are friends with now. If we're really lucky we may still be good friends with two of them. Not everyone is meant to stay and certain people just shouldn't be kept around. Not everyone has to stay friends and play nice, shit happens. Growing up and being an adult is moving on and handling what you have to. People come and go; not everyone we meet is our obligation to keep around. Not everyone moves ahead with us. Sometimes being an adult is moving forward alone. We are adults now Red Queen, it's time we started acting like it. Not everything can be fixed with apologies and not everything will work out. I will stop talking about Morgan if you can except that I have a right to not want him in my own life.

Red Queen: You aren't being an adult. You really need to get over it. All of you. You are acting like little fucking babies. And no you didn't fucking listen to his side. I know you didn't because you told me you didn't.

(Funny that she says I told her something I know I didn't. I said I wouldn't listen to him trash talk Flotsom and Jetsom at the table in the restaurant we were all sitting in. Not listening to him trash my friends is a different thing. I had already heard his side before that. I didn't need to keep hearing him tell the same story 20 different ways, using worse language to describe my friends each time.)

Me; I spent an hour on the phone with him crying about it the night it happened. Have the phone bill to prove it too. You aren't being an adult either. You can't respect anyone's opinion that isn't yours. I can tolerate Morgan enough to no longer bad mouth him but you need to respect my decision to not want him in my life.  That's a compromise. That is being mature. If you can't find a middle ground and will only accept your way or no way then this isn't going to work.

~~~~~~~~~~~

And that was it. Red Queen did't respond back. I did get a text message from Red Queen's sister though. That convo was as follows;

Lafayette: You & REd Queen stop fighting..

Me: I said my piece. I'm done now. She brought Abby into it and I lost it. I am very sorry if this is causing you any stress. You are one of my best friends and I don't want anything to come between us but I can't handle  your sister's high horse anymore. It has to be her way or you're wrong. I will not take her looking down on me for  not agreeing with her anymore; it's driving me crazy. I love you, but I  don't think I can handle Red Queen anymore.

Lafayette: I'm already stressed that my sister is possibly leaving the state. If you two are done being friends fine. Sometimes it's not meant to be. And how Red Queen is, that's how she is. You deal with her or you don't. I'm not discussing this anymore. It's done and over with. Move on. 

Me: As long as it doesn't affect out friendship. I still care about Red Queen, but like you said some things aren't  meant to be...not matter how much I wish they were. It's sad to know we're all growing up and apart. I just hope that we can still be okay.

~~~~~~

I haven't heard from either sister since. I love Lafayette. She's an amazing friend, but Red Queen is her sister and I understand that she's most likely mad at me. It's a tough pill to swallow, but the price of getting a toxic person out of my life may just being losing a friend that I truly care about. 

The lesson learned here is that sometimes the friends you've had the longest, aren't the ones that will stand by you. Just because you were close when you were younger, doesn't mean that they aren't hurting you. Sometimes you've been around it for so lang that you become used to it. You don't realize how much they are holding you back, how much they mistreat you until it's too late.

You may notice it, but think you owe it to them to brush it under the rug and forget about it. Sometimes you really need to stand back and think. Have they really done anything to help you? Have they ever given you a reason to owe them? Have you given more than they have? While you're working hard and stressing yourself out to keep the friendship going, are they even trying? How do they get us into thinking that we owe them at all when all they do is use us as doormats? The truth is we don't owe them and we don't need them. Sometimes the most toxic people in our lives are the ones that we thought were our closest friends. 

Not everyone is going to stay with us forever. We will stand alone sometimes. We may feel like we made a horrible choice in getting rid of the people that are bringing us down, but it will get better. It may not seem better now, or it may seem brighter instantly. Eventually everything will work out like they're supposed to. If we can count on one hand, the number on friends we know will stand behind us and have our back, then we can count ourselves lucky. 

True friends are hard to come by, but we can't keep the toxic ones around because we're afraid of what will happen when they're gone. It will just end up hurting us in the long run. So get rid of the toxic "friends", be strong if you have to stand alone for awhile, because the friends that are worth it, the ones that will stand by you through everything, they will find their way to you eventually. You just have to keep moving forward and know you made the right choice. 

If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it, and if you have a question, I'll do my best to answer it.

Until next time,  I wish you well.

 

Sincerely, 

Irony.