Friends With Siblings, Fallouts, and Changes

You know how some people say that everything can change in a short amount of time? Well they're right. It might not seem like such a big deal, but sometimes you just realize that something or someone just isn't good for you. Sometimes cutting them loose can make everything brighter. Sometimes it's just one friend that makes everything brighter by just talking to them. So without out further ado, here's the next one.

Life Issue #2

About a month ago JB got into a huge blowout fight with his father and left. His sister AB texted me. In all fairness, I've known JB longer, but I was friends with AB first. I stayed in touch with him for a couple weeks, but about two weeks ago, he just dropped from the face of the Earth. It was around that same time when I started going through some personal problems that I will not get into right now.

I stopped talking to the majority of my friends and family. I needed the time to just get myself together. A couple years ago, I dragged a lot of people into my problems, and I didn't want to do that again. What I was going through, and still am, is something that I just have to handle on my own.

And as a side note, I would like to add that AB has a 2 (almost 3) year old son. She is also 17. I find nothing wrong with that and she's a great mother.

I cut JB out of my life because I couldn't handle the constant worry of his disappearance, and my own problems. It may sound a little selfish, but I honestly can't handle any extra stress with the way my mind currently is. (Anxiety/Panic disorder, depression, and the emotional capacity of a shoe just to start with. Not joking about the last one, my mind doesn't really process emotions. My body knows what I'm feeling, but my mind doesn't register it, so I don't actually feel it at all.)

The only places I've been going to are work, therapy and my room. At home, I don't leave my room unless I have to get something, shower, or my sister needs me. The only family members I've been talking to are my sister, my mom, my dad, my step dad, and minimal greetings with my step-sisters. Out of my adopted family (My friends from when I lived in PA. We formed a little makeshift family since we didn't really get along with our actual families.) I only talked to my brother, WL'B, his husband, NL'B, my other brother, ZL'B, and our cousin's father, AJB. Though with the exception of NL'B, it was minimal conversation. Out of my friends I only stayed in contact with MC since I work with her and she's my voice of reason, MW since he's my best friend above even partners, EN but that was only since we're writing a story together, SA but that's just about music he thinks I'd like, TC and that's just about video games, and then lastly is NP who I've talked to everyday on facebook for the last month. Anyone else I've talked to is either because I work with them, they were a customer, or they had contacted me.

A few days ago AB texted me flipping out and saying that she thought I was different, and that she's done with me, and all that. I asked her what she was talking about. Apparently she thought I was just being friends with her to get to her brother. I was friends with her before I even knew they were related! I told her that I wasn't talking to her brother either and that I was going through some personal issues, and that I told her January and February were going to be hard months for me to do anything. I'm getting everything in order for my move to Canada at the end of the year, there's the issue with the custody of my step-sisters, I have work, therapy, and I have a month before I can get my anti-anxiety meds so I'm very on edge. She knew all this already. She told me that I should have told her what was going on. I already told her I was going through some difficult things weeks ago, and it isn't her business what's going on in my life so I don't have to tell her anything!

She has a baby boy that she has to look after, and I'm not going to go over to her house and risk having an anxiety/panic attack there! It's scary to see someone having one of them, and I will not be responsible for scaring an innocent little kid. I saw a meltdown when I was a baby; it's one of my first memories, and I still get nightmares about it sometimes. I will not put anyone else through that!

She then sent me a text saying that she only wanted to be here for me but she can't because I won't let her. Firstly, she has a son that she should be focused on and not my problems. Secondly, if she wanted to be here for me then she'd stop yelling at me every time I don't do what she wants. I get that she didn't have the teenage experience since she had a kid so young, but you don't yell at and manipulate people you care about. I simply told her that I can't have people near me when I'm like this, I've been in this place before and I know how to take care of it. Her getting mad at me for a mental imbalance that I can't control doesn't help. I stopped responding to her after that.

I need to worry about getting better right now, not trying to keep her from getting mad at me for no reason.


On a side note, at my Anti-Valentine's Day party, one of the guys I invited decided to bring his best friend, TH. We've been a little flirty, but it's just in good fun. He's a great guy and we have a lot in common. I spent a lot of time hanging out with him at the party, and he even helped me reign in my sister and her friends without me asking him to. He really just wanted to help me. The big bonus was that he actually looked at my face and not my boobs when he was talking to me. (Trust me, that's a big deal when you have an F cup. I hate having big boobs.)

Second side note, talking to NP has done wonders for my mental health. He doesn't bring up the past, we don't reminisce, we just talk about what's going on with us right now, and we tease each other. It's nice talking to someone who's known me for such a long time, and doesn't treat me like the girl I used to be. He's such a sweetheart, even if he can be a sarcastic arse at times. He can make me forget everything for awhile and makes me laugh even when I don't think I can. I actually look forward to his messages everyday. I really hope that we stay friends for a long time, even if we don't get to see each other much due to conflicting schedules. He actually makes me relaxed and happy, even when I worry that he might exhaust himself with his 18-hour days. He really is amazing, and I tell him that at the risk of inflating his ego. I like that I don't have to try to think of something to say to him, it just comes naturally to know what to say with him. I never second guess myself with him, and if I say something stupid, I know he won't hold it against me.



So the main points here are:

1.) I no longer have a crush on JB. He was causing undue stress and we are currently not talking to each other.

2.) AB and I had a fallout due to things having to be her way and my breakdown not complying with that.

3.) I am currently not talking to a lot of my friends and family, and for the most part they are understanding and just want me to get better.

4.) TH is an amazing guy and maybe he'll get into the same place that SA and TC are. (I might just be head over heels for TC, but I'm not good with actually knowing what I feel.)

5.) NP has got to be one of the most astounding friends I have ever had. Currently he is the only one who can just make the buzzing in my head stop, and he's the only one who can actually chase away all those what ifs and that pesky over-thinking that I do. The best part is, other then actually getting my brain to process and feel 'happy', is that he does it without causing all those other annoying, confusing emotions that TC does.

I don't know if JB and I will ever talk again, and if we do I'm pretty sure that I won't be talking to his sister anytime soon. Am I wrong for getting frustrated with her? I'm pretty sure she meant well and was just worried, but she could have asked if everything was okay before she started yelling at me. If EN and I don't talk for weeks on end, we both know it's because we got busy or certain things came up; we never get mad at each other, we just ask if every thing's okay. The best friends you could have are the ones you can fall out of touch with, but when you start talking again, it's like no time had passed at all.  I don't know if I should apologize to AB for making her worry, even though I told her it was going to be hard for us to hang out until March.

Even though it feels like a weight's been lifted from my chest, I don't know if not sticking it out with JB makes me a bad person. I know that I can be selfish at times. Everyone can be, and don't deny it. Was ending the weird limbo between the two of us the right thing to do? Was it just selfish? Or does it just make a bad friend and a terrible person?

Again, if you have a question, or any advice for me then feel free to ask! Until next time, this is Irony wishing you well.

Sincerely,
     ~ILive4Irony417 a.k.a Amanda.

Moments Past, and Bittersweet Memories

I’d like to think that I’ve come a long from who I was. Looking back, I can’t remember when the changes even happened. It probably wasn’t just one big thing, but a lot of smaller things that added up over time to make this change. I didn’t know what would work and what wouldn’t, the good choices from the bad and sometimes what seemed like a good idea at the time turned out to not be such a good idea and vice versa. Everything about who I am now was because of a lot of trial and error. It was a lot of sticking my hand into the fire to see if it really was hot; yes, I got burned more times than I would like to admit, but I also found out some cold hard facts and lessons I needed to learn from doing so.

I won’t say that I don’t remember any of those little moments when I changed. Some weren’t that memorable, but some of them were. Some were those life-changing pivotal moments, some were just too good to forget, and then there are those that are painful to remember but so hard to forget. Life is made out of infinite amounts of moments, and not all are good, but they all help shape who we are. Some slip by, but if they were really important then they’ll come again; if you let them slip a second time, then that’s your fault, and you should hope it wasn’t important. I won’t say that I never let anything slip by, I did and I do regret that, but I erased my regrets and tried to make things right. The one thing I took the longest to learn, is that you can’t always fix everything, some things are meant to be left alone.

There is no undeniable truth in the world. Honesty is different for everyone. You can be one of the most honest people in the world, but even you would have lied to yourself at one point. No matter how honest we are with everyone else, we aren’t always honest with ourselves. We pretend things aren’t happening, we pretend that things aren’t that bad or too good to be true, but sometimes they just are. It’s hard to be honest with yourself when half of the time we don’t even know what we’re feeling or thinking.

If I were to be honest with myself, I would admit that I am not proud of many of the things that I have done but I am proud of who I was. Even with all of the unfortunate things I’ve done, I was willing to make things right and grow up. I was someone who was capable of change. I don’t regret anything that I’ve done because it has made me into who I am now, and I’m starting to like who I am. The only regrets I have are for the things I wish I’d done but didn’t.

There are moments in my life that I’d tried to recapture, but you can’t recapture a moment in time; it becomes a memory and some memories feel like dreams. Sometimes I confuse one with the other. Sometimes I can’t tell when I’m awake from when I’m asleep. Most of my life is a state in between; I’m not fully awake, but I’m not asleep either. If I hadn’t always wrote everything down, I’m sure I would have lost the line between the two a long time ago.

I thought that when I sobered up, I would be awake again, but I still feel the same way I did then, just without the constant haze in my head. I’m a lot hazier now then I was. Even with all of the drugs and alcohol, I feel as if I had more clarity then than I do now. It’s a scary thought, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be true. For all I know I’m writing this in a dream, and I’ll wake up tomorrow looking for this document and it won’t be there. I’ve had much more detailed dreams than this before. I’d once dreamt an entire school year and when I woke up, I couldn’t bring myself to admit that the friends I had in my dream weren’t really my friends and the friends I had were my enemies in the dream.

I won’t admit certain aspects of my life, but those are more private and I would like them to stay that way. Anything I don’t say was left unsaid for a reason and should stay that way. I am only a small part in the world. Every great thing is made from much smaller parts, just like the bad parts of life are built on smaller problems that just added up until they became this huge thing that feels like you can’t get away from it.

Everything we do has an effect. It might not be a direct efect on you, but it will effect someone else. Everything effects everything. We can't just say and/or do whatever we want; our actions and words have consequences. Some may be good, and other's not so good. I learned this lesson a long time ago, but for some it's harder to learn. Just because what you're saying or doing at the moment isn't hurting you, it might be hurting someone else. Something that you meant as a joke, might be more harmful than funny. You never know how you will effect people; take responsibility for what your actions, your words. Even if you didn't intend for it to be how it was percieved, it still hurt someone. Let them know that's not how you meant it, but appologize for hurting them. The truth is, you never know who someone else is behind closed doors.

That girl who acts all bitchy, and snaps at everyone? Well she's just trying to keep everyone away so they don't find the bruises from when he dad hits her. The girl who's always so loud, surrounded by drama, and has a ton of friends? Her mom's an emotionally abusive drunk, her dad is too ill to help, and she has to take care of her drug addicted sister's son. That really dorky, nerdy guy that everyone loves and is friends with? He's emotionally and mentally abusive to his girlfriend and her friends. The really preppy girl who heads every school club. is class president, and get's perfect grades? She's about ready to crack; her mother demands her to do all of it, and even though she's the top of her class and excells in everything, she's still not good enough for her dear mother. That weird artsy guy that you all love to avoid and make fun of? He's an amazing artist who tolerates the gay jokes, because he is gay, he's one of the sweetest guys you could know, and some day his name will be known worldwide for his art.

I went to school with these people. I've been their friend, I've been their enemy, I've bad mouthed some of them, some of them bad mouthed me. We learn from who we were, we grow up and we move past it. Sometimes it's easier said than done. MP is still trying to please her mother. LB moved in with her boyfriend to get away from her drunkard mother. AM moved in with her mother who hates he because it was better than living with her abusive father. DB, well he still thinks what he did to those girls wasn't wrong; he thinks he was too nice, but now everyone knows what he did. RP, he works at a  craft store, and is on his way to becoming a famous artist.

You don't know who people are when no one's looking, and you don't know who we'll all be in the future. We change all the time. Life is the longest journey any of us will take. It's painful, it will make you cry, it will make you smile, make you laugh, and it will introduce you to the most eclectic group of people. There is no sure fire way for everything to turn out all right. The truth is that sometimes it just doesn't; sometimes it won't be okay, and sometimes it ends tragically. Most of the time, the ending isn't happy, it's not a fairytale. Most of the time the ending is bittersweet, that's life. There's always that twinge of sadness when something ends, whether it be a book, a TV show, your school year, or a life.

You never know what's going to happen tomorrow, and it's just as well. We can't spend all our time striving for the future, or worrying about it, beacause then we'll miss what's happening now, what's happening today. You do what you have to, but don't forget that everything can change in a moment. The best thing to do is plan for the future, but play it by day. Out of so many trials and errors, I learned that this is the best way for me to go.

I’m just taking it day by day, and hopefully one day I will figure it all out. Right now, I’m just going to make the most out of what I do know, and wait for everything to slowly move into place. Eventually I’ll get to where I’m meant to be, so for now I’ll just cry when I’m hurting, laugh whenever I can, and remember that life changes unexpectedly so I should cherish what I have while I have it. We all grow up, it’s just about whether or not me decide to move on from who were as well.

Love Triangles, & Unsure Feelings

Hey, this is Irony here. Some of you know me as Amanda if you're coming from some of the other sites I belong to. I'm not going to wax poetic on you, I just need a space to write my thoughts and get feedback. I trust people who don't know me as well to give me a more honest feedback.

So let's get to it :

Life issue #1 - As a girl, I spent a lot of time when I was younger putting together what I thought my perfect guy would be like. He would have great music taste, prefer DC to Marvel, love horror movies, etc. Of course, it's not like I found him right away.

In the mean time I went through some romantic rough patches. Dating the male best friend didn't go so well, some were liars, and the one that I actually did love ended because I messed up. Oh, and let's not forget that most of my friends are gay, lesbian, bisexual, pans/omnisexual, transexual, etc. It's hard finding a guy my age that can handle that.

Currently I have really strong feelings for a guy that is NOTHING like what I had planned for in a dream guy. He's into RPG's, he has no taste in music, he has barely any idea of what Marvel and DC are, and he hates horror movies. To be honest, I think I might just love him, but I'm not entirely sure of my feelings yet. We'll call this guy TC.

There's this other guy that's pretty close to what I've always wanted. I had a crush on him when we were freshman in high school, and after certain events, we recently became friends after having not talked to each toher for a few years. We have the same tastes, and he secretly loves DC. The only thing is, he can't hold up a conversation unless it's through texting. He'll call me if he's worried about me, but it would be nice if when we're hanging out he would actually be able to hold a convo that lasted more than 30 seconds. We'll call this guy JB.

TC and I can and have talked on the phone all day. It's usually about the weirdest things, like how we wish cartoons and TV shows were like they were when we were younger. (What happened to Rugrats, Hey Arnold!, Code Lyoko, All That, Clarissa Explains It All, Hey Dude, Teen Titans, Power Puff Girls? I mean, What the Hell is Adventure TIme?! The cartoons and teens shows that are on now are ridiculous. Who wants to watch a sexually confused sponge, or animals in their underwear?) We dork out over anime/comi-coms. And we talk politics. He doesn't even mind when I show him new music since he doesn't really have a specific taste in it.

There's a third guy that we're going to call SA. SA is in a band, we have similar tastes in music, comics, and movies. We even both own dwarf rabbits. We talk about music all the time and introduce each other to really great bands that we would't have found otherwise. He's in a band himself, and they're really good. They're called the Unbearable Slackers. He's really sweet and I've known him for awhile. He's even checked out and helped me with my song lyrics.He's the embodiment of everything I wanted for m y dream guy, but I have no romantic inclinations towards him whatsoever.

So the main points here are :

1.) I have strong feelings, that may or may not be love, for a guy that is nothing like what I dreamed for.
2.) I have a crush on a guy that is pretty much everything I want, but there just really aren't any sparks. He and I undersdtand each other, but we just don't connect.
3.) I found my dream guy, but I have absolutly zero romantic feelings for him.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Everyone says JB and I are so good together and we should date, but I can't really be myself with him since he can't hold a conversation. SA is amazing, and I think he's awesome, but I just don't have feelings for him. TC is wonderful; he understands me very well, he tries to be interested in what I am, and he's so much fun to talk to and hang out with. TC is one of the greatest people I have ever met, and I could imagine actually dating him, but his best friend and I had a little thing a couple years ago that just fully ended about 6 months ago.

I'm afraid that if I choose one, that they might be the wrong one, and what if none of them are the right one? I want to not choose, but I can't stand leaving things in limbo like thing. What if I don't choose and one of them was the one? I've had so many screw-ups when it comes to relationships that I'm afraid to actually try again. The thought of dating very well makes me nausous, so the fact that I can picture dating TC with out emptying my stomach should say something, right?

If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it, and if you have any questions, I will answer as honestly as I can.