I’d like to think that I’ve come a long from who I was. Looking back, I can’t remember when the changes even happened. It probably wasn’t just one big thing, but a lot of smaller things that added up over time to make this change. I didn’t know what would work and what wouldn’t, the good choices from the bad and sometimes what seemed like a good idea at the time turned out to not be such a good idea and vice versa. Everything about who I am now was because of a lot of trial and error. It was a lot of sticking my hand into the fire to see if it really was hot; yes, I got burned more times than I would like to admit, but I also found out some cold hard facts and lessons I needed to learn from doing so.
I won’t say that I don’t remember any of those little moments when I changed. Some weren’t that memorable, but some of them were. Some were those life-changing pivotal moments, some were just too good to forget, and then there are those that are painful to remember but so hard to forget. Life is made out of infinite amounts of moments, and not all are good, but they all help shape who we are. Some slip by, but if they were really important then they’ll come again; if you let them slip a second time, then that’s your fault, and you should hope it wasn’t important. I won’t say that I never let anything slip by, I did and I do regret that, but I erased my regrets and tried to make things right. The one thing I took the longest to learn, is that you can’t always fix everything, some things are meant to be left alone.
There is no undeniable truth in the world. Honesty is different for everyone. You can be one of the most honest people in the world, but even you would have lied to yourself at one point. No matter how honest we are with everyone else, we aren’t always honest with ourselves. We pretend things aren’t happening, we pretend that things aren’t that bad or too good to be true, but sometimes they just are. It’s hard to be honest with yourself when half of the time we don’t even know what we’re feeling or thinking.
If I were to be honest with myself, I would admit that I am not proud of many of the things that I have done but I am proud of who I was. Even with all of the unfortunate things I’ve done, I was willing to make things right and grow up. I was someone who was capable of change. I don’t regret anything that I’ve done because it has made me into who I am now, and I’m starting to like who I am. The only regrets I have are for the things I wish I’d done but didn’t.
There are moments in my life that I’d tried to recapture, but you can’t recapture a moment in time; it becomes a memory and some memories feel like dreams. Sometimes I confuse one with the other. Sometimes I can’t tell when I’m awake from when I’m asleep. Most of my life is a state in between; I’m not fully awake, but I’m not asleep either. If I hadn’t always wrote everything down, I’m sure I would have lost the line between the two a long time ago.
I thought that when I sobered up, I would be awake again, but I still feel the same way I did then, just without the constant haze in my head. I’m a lot hazier now then I was. Even with all of the drugs and alcohol, I feel as if I had more clarity then than I do now. It’s a scary thought, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be true. For all I know I’m writing this in a dream, and I’ll wake up tomorrow looking for this document and it won’t be there. I’ve had much more detailed dreams than this before. I’d once dreamt an entire school year and when I woke up, I couldn’t bring myself to admit that the friends I had in my dream weren’t really my friends and the friends I had were my enemies in the dream.
I won’t admit certain aspects of my life, but those are more private and I would like them to stay that way. Anything I don’t say was left unsaid for a reason and should stay that way. I am only a small part in the world. Every great thing is made from much smaller parts, just like the bad parts of life are built on smaller problems that just added up until they became this huge thing that feels like you can’t get away from it.
Everything we do has an effect. It might not be a direct efect on you, but it will effect someone else. Everything effects everything. We can't just say and/or do whatever we want; our actions and words have consequences. Some may be good, and other's not so good. I learned this lesson a long time ago, but for some it's harder to learn. Just because what you're saying or doing at the moment isn't hurting you, it might be hurting someone else. Something that you meant as a joke, might be more harmful than funny. You never know how you will effect people; take responsibility for what your actions, your words. Even if you didn't intend for it to be how it was percieved, it still hurt someone. Let them know that's not how you meant it, but appologize for hurting them. The truth is, you never know who someone else is behind closed doors.
That girl who acts all bitchy, and snaps at everyone? Well she's just trying to keep everyone away so they don't find the bruises from when he dad hits her. The girl who's always so loud, surrounded by drama, and has a ton of friends? Her mom's an emotionally abusive drunk, her dad is too ill to help, and she has to take care of her drug addicted sister's son. That really dorky, nerdy guy that everyone loves and is friends with? He's emotionally and mentally abusive to his girlfriend and her friends. The really preppy girl who heads every school club. is class president, and get's perfect grades? She's about ready to crack; her mother demands her to do all of it, and even though she's the top of her class and excells in everything, she's still not good enough for her dear mother. That weird artsy guy that you all love to avoid and make fun of? He's an amazing artist who tolerates the gay jokes, because he is gay, he's one of the sweetest guys you could know, and some day his name will be known worldwide for his art.
I went to school with these people. I've been their friend, I've been their enemy, I've bad mouthed some of them, some of them bad mouthed me. We learn from who we were, we grow up and we move past it. Sometimes it's easier said than done. MP is still trying to please her mother. LB moved in with her boyfriend to get away from her drunkard mother. AM moved in with her mother who hates he because it was better than living with her abusive father. DB, well he still thinks what he did to those girls wasn't wrong; he thinks he was too nice, but now everyone knows what he did. RP, he works at a craft store, and is on his way to becoming a famous artist.
You don't know who people are when no one's looking, and you don't know who we'll all be in the future. We change all the time. Life is the longest journey any of us will take. It's painful, it will make you cry, it will make you smile, make you laugh, and it will introduce you to the most eclectic group of people. There is no sure fire way for everything to turn out all right. The truth is that sometimes it just doesn't; sometimes it won't be okay, and sometimes it ends tragically. Most of the time, the ending isn't happy, it's not a fairytale. Most of the time the ending is bittersweet, that's life. There's always that twinge of sadness when something ends, whether it be a book, a TV show, your school year, or a life.
You never know what's going to happen tomorrow, and it's just as well. We can't spend all our time striving for the future, or worrying about it, beacause then we'll miss what's happening now, what's happening today. You do what you have to, but don't forget that everything can change in a moment. The best thing to do is plan for the future, but play it by day. Out of so many trials and errors, I learned that this is the best way for me to go.
I’m just taking it day by day, and hopefully one day I will figure it all out. Right now, I’m just going to make the most out of what I do know, and wait for everything to slowly move into place. Eventually I’ll get to where I’m meant to be, so for now I’ll just cry when I’m hurting, laugh whenever I can, and remember that life changes unexpectedly so I should cherish what I have while I have it. We all grow up, it’s just about whether or not me decide to move on from who were as well.
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