Life Issue #2
About a month ago JB got into a huge blowout fight with his father and left. His sister AB texted me. In all fairness, I've known JB longer, but I was friends with AB first. I stayed in touch with him for a couple weeks, but about two weeks ago, he just dropped from the face of the Earth. It was around that same time when I started going through some personal problems that I will not get into right now.
I stopped talking to the majority of my friends and family. I needed the time to just get myself together. A couple years ago, I dragged a lot of people into my problems, and I didn't want to do that again. What I was going through, and still am, is something that I just have to handle on my own.
And as a side note, I would like to add that AB has a 2 (almost 3) year old son. She is also 17. I find nothing wrong with that and she's a great mother.
I cut JB out of my life because I couldn't handle the constant worry of his disappearance, and my own problems. It may sound a little selfish, but I honestly can't handle any extra stress with the way my mind currently is. (Anxiety/Panic disorder, depression, and the emotional capacity of a shoe just to start with. Not joking about the last one, my mind doesn't really process emotions. My body knows what I'm feeling, but my mind doesn't register it, so I don't actually feel it at all.)
The only places I've been going to are work, therapy and my room. At home, I don't leave my room unless I have to get something, shower, or my sister needs me. The only family members I've been talking to are my sister, my mom, my dad, my step dad, and minimal greetings with my step-sisters. Out of my adopted family (My friends from when I lived in PA. We formed a little makeshift family since we didn't really get along with our actual families.) I only talked to my brother, WL'B, his husband, NL'B, my other brother, ZL'B, and our cousin's father, AJB. Though with the exception of NL'B, it was minimal conversation. Out of my friends I only stayed in contact with MC since I work with her and she's my voice of reason, MW since he's my best friend above even partners, EN but that was only since we're writing a story together, SA but that's just about music he thinks I'd like, TC and that's just about video games, and then lastly is NP who I've talked to everyday on facebook for the last month. Anyone else I've talked to is either because I work with them, they were a customer, or they had contacted me.
A few days ago AB texted me flipping out and saying that she thought I was different, and that she's done with me, and all that. I asked her what she was talking about. Apparently she thought I was just being friends with her to get to her brother. I was friends with her before I even knew they were related! I told her that I wasn't talking to her brother either and that I was going through some personal issues, and that I told her January and February were going to be hard months for me to do anything. I'm getting everything in order for my move to Canada at the end of the year, there's the issue with the custody of my step-sisters, I have work, therapy, and I have a month before I can get my anti-anxiety meds so I'm very on edge. She knew all this already. She told me that I should have told her what was going on. I already told her I was going through some difficult things weeks ago, and it isn't her business what's going on in my life so I don't have to tell her anything!
She has a baby boy that she has to look after, and I'm not going to go over to her house and risk having an anxiety/panic attack there! It's scary to see someone having one of them, and I will not be responsible for scaring an innocent little kid. I saw a meltdown when I was a baby; it's one of my first memories, and I still get nightmares about it sometimes. I will not put anyone else through that!
She then sent me a text saying that she only wanted to be here for me but she can't because I won't let her. Firstly, she has a son that she should be focused on and not my problems. Secondly, if she wanted to be here for me then she'd stop yelling at me every time I don't do what she wants. I get that she didn't have the teenage experience since she had a kid so young, but you don't yell at and manipulate people you care about. I simply told her that I can't have people near me when I'm like this, I've been in this place before and I know how to take care of it. Her getting mad at me for a mental imbalance that I can't control doesn't help. I stopped responding to her after that.
I need to worry about getting better right now, not trying to keep her from getting mad at me for no reason.
On a side note, at my Anti-Valentine's Day party, one of the guys I invited decided to bring his best friend, TH. We've been a little flirty, but it's just in good fun. He's a great guy and we have a lot in common. I spent a lot of time hanging out with him at the party, and he even helped me reign in my sister and her friends without me asking him to. He really just wanted to help me. The big bonus was that he actually looked at my face and not my boobs when he was talking to me. (Trust me, that's a big deal when you have an F cup. I hate having big boobs.)
Second side note, talking to NP has done wonders for my mental health. He doesn't bring up the past, we don't reminisce, we just talk about what's going on with us right now, and we tease each other. It's nice talking to someone who's known me for such a long time, and doesn't treat me like the girl I used to be. He's such a sweetheart, even if he can be a sarcastic arse at times. He can make me forget everything for awhile and makes me laugh even when I don't think I can. I actually look forward to his messages everyday. I really hope that we stay friends for a long time, even if we don't get to see each other much due to conflicting schedules. He actually makes me relaxed and happy, even when I worry that he might exhaust himself with his 18-hour days. He really is amazing, and I tell him that at the risk of inflating his ego. I like that I don't have to try to think of something to say to him, it just comes naturally to know what to say with him. I never second guess myself with him, and if I say something stupid,
So the main points here are:
1.) I no longer have a crush on JB. He was causing undue stress and we are currently not talking to each other.
2.) AB and I had a fallout due to things having to be her way and my breakdown not complying with that.
3.) I am currently not talking to a lot of my friends and family, and for the most part they are understanding and just want me to get better.
4.) TH is an amazing guy and maybe he'll get into the same place that SA and TC are. (I might just be head over heels for TC, but I'm not good with actually knowing what I feel.)
5.) NP has got to be one of the most astounding friends I have ever had. Currently he is the only one who can just make the buzzing in my head stop, and he's the only one who can actually chase away all those what ifs and that pesky over-thinking that I do. The best part is, other then actually getting my brain to process and feel 'happy', is that he does it without causing all those other
I don't know if JB and I will ever talk again, and if we do I'm pretty sure that I won't be talking to his sister anytime soon. Am I wrong for getting frustrated with her? I'm pretty sure she meant well and was just worried, but she could have asked if everything was okay before she started yelling at me. If EN and I don't talk for weeks on end, we both know it's because we got busy or certain things came up; we never get mad at each other, we just ask if every thing's okay. The best friends you could have are the ones you can fall out of touch with, but when you start talking again, it's like no time had passed at all. I don't know if I should apologize to AB for making her worry, even though I told her it was going to be hard for us to hang out until March.
Even though it feels like a weight's been lifted from my chest, I don't know if not sticking it out with JB makes me a bad person. I know that I can be selfish at times. Everyone can be, and
Again, if you have a question, or any advice for me then feel free to ask! Until next time, this is Irony wishing you well.
Sincerely,
~ILive4Irony417 a.k.a Amanda.
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