Have you ever worked with that one person who has your boss wrapped around their pretty little finger? The co-worker who suffers bare minimum consequences for things that you would get fired if you even considered doing? The one who knows that no matter what they do, they won't get fired? In this instance it happens to the fairest of them all; our own little princess, Snow White. Give her a round of applause, but only if you're a guy, since that's the only attention she can hold.
We all have this one type of person in our lives. They went through something difficult in their past and made it through spectacularly, but then they start to put themselves in even more hard situations that they could have easily avoided. They turn themselves into a martyr, the never-ending victim. The put themselves into hardships to get everyone's sympathy.They can never be at fault; no matter what they do to anyone around them, they will convince everyone that they are the only victim.
Life Issue #5
On Sunday September 30, Snow White came to work high off of her ass. Megara was hanging out at the deli for a bit. Mufasa, Snow White and, I were the ones on shift. Well the ever intellegent Snow White told Megara and I that she had smoked pot before coming to work and was effectively stoned out of her mind. She almost took me out with a cutting board, Megara had to apologize to customers for Snow White's behavior and Mufasa and I had to fix all of her mistakes. She screwed up orders, couldn't speak right and had no clue what the hell she was doing!
Megara had informed my father and Frollo about what Snow White had done. Mufasa and I told them the exact same thing and apparently so did a customer.They were mad for like two days and then nothing.A slap on the wrist and she was good to go!
The day after she got caught, dad and Frollo called Snow White into the office and they told her it was a slap in the face and they were upset with her. They took it too personally. They told her that more than one of her co-workers said something but she somehow only blames me for it. She told Megara that I was a bitch, and that I need to mind my own business. She makes all of her business everyone else's business, but that's another story I'll save for a couple paragraphs after this one. She told my dad that she does all the cleaning on Sundays and that all I do is talk. (Let's just take a break for a second to clear a few things up:
1.) I close pretty much everyday, so I clean up the morning worker's messes 5 days a week. They don't really clean because they know someone's coming in after them.
2.) She only cleans on Sundays. That's the only day a week that she does it!
3.) She spends all day talking; she tells the regulars about everything going on in her life. She saddles up to Frollo and my dad to give them all the latest gossip from her life. If you won't talk to her, then she'll throw a temper fit and tell everyone you're being mean to her for no reason. And she spends all day on her phone!) Now I'm the first to admit that I like to talk, and I do slack sometimes, but if someone points out something that I'm doing wrong, then I will try my hardest to not do it again. You wanna know who's side they're on? The stoned little princess.
Yes, you read that right. Snow White comes to work high, and Megara and I are the ones who get yelled at after. All Snow White had to do was complain about us, and they were all for jumping on our backs over it. Nevermind the fact that Snow White always lies to them, plays them and they know it too. They know she's lied to them more times than she can count.....wait that's only to 5 and I'm being generous. Okay she's lied to them more times than the deli's accountant can count. Go figure that they took her side, she has such redeeming qualities, no?
If we have a problem with her, then they tell us to handle it ourselves, they say, "Well, what can you do?" Well you know what? Fuck that! Fuck the bullshit! And fuck the moronic little princess to the darkest depths of the Hell that she believes in!
For some background on Snow White, know that this isn't the first time we've had issues with her since she started at the end of February.
Snow White had been in an abusive relationship with a man 20 years her senior when she started. After a month of working with us, she left the bastard and moved in with my dad. She would continuously go back to Georgie Porgie (this is what the ass shall be known as), and let my dad think that he had a chance with her. She fucked with his feelings and with his head just because she could.
Now don't let Georgie Porgie's abusive nature towards her fool you, she gives just as good as she gets. He'll hit her, and she'll hit back. He controls her, and she manipulates him. They fight, hurt, accuse and break each other, things get better for few weeks and the whole sick cycle carousel starts all over again. Snow White isn't as stupid as she acts; she knows what she's doing. She plans out how to get Georgie Porgie to do whatever she wants while making him think it was all his idea.
I don't agree with domestic abuse, I think it is disgusting and horrible, but Snow White has had so many outs. She got away from him, and was doing great, but when we all stopped showering her in attention because she was actually safe now, she went back to him. She likes to abuse and she likes the fight.
Snow White is one of those people who isn't happy unless everyone else thinks they aren't. She likes everyone trying to make sure that she's okay when she's perfectly fine. Her and Georgie Porgie are dependent on each other's misery and pain. They aren't happy together but they're miserable without one another. They can't function unless they know the other is going to be there for them to hurt and break down. They get off on being able to anger one another, making each other cry; They break one another down to their worst, and most vulnerable and continue breaking each other down till there's nothing left for themselves but each other. It's disgusting, but they are worse people when they aren't together.
When Snow White wasn't with Georgie Porgie, and right after they got back together the first time, during those two months, she manipulated my dad. She flirted with him, even though she knew that she would never stray far from Georgie Porgie. She knew that she was never going to give my dad a chance, but she continued to play him to gain slack at work, which ended up with everyone else having to work harder because she barely was.
Snow White may claim to be a very religious person, but she is one of the biggest sinners that I know. She thrives on attention and playing with males' feelings. She has little in the way of remorse and she will take down anyone that stands in the way of her getting what she wants. Right now Megara and I are standing in the way of her keeping all the leeway she's gotten at work. She's already got Frollo and my father wrapped around her dainty little finger; she talks shit about me and has my father defending it!
Let's face it, the real Snow White's issue was that she was too pretty so females hated her and all these guys were falling all over themselves to help her, and letting them think they were coming up wit the terms when in fact, she set the terms.She sat back and let all these different guys do her dirty work.The Snow White I work with, she has pretty much no female friends because she gets mad when they don't fall for her bullshit. She has mostly guy friends, and she let's them "choose" what she does, but she leads them all around by the nose. She has the guys around her finger, and tricks them into doing her dirty work. They really aren't much different. All together, Snow White is one pathetic excuse for a princess. It's a good thing she's pretty because she really does't have much else going for her; her personality is shit.
So the main points here are:
1.) Snow White came to work high, and barely got more than a slap on the wrist. Megara and I are paying for it. (The only thing I know is that Snow White's paycheck was affected.)
2.) Snow White only blames me for them finding out about it, and is targeting me.
3.) She has the bosses wrapped around her finger so no matter what she does, she'll never get fired for it.
*Bonus*
When we had the first issue with Snow White, Megara actually had to take a vacation from working at the deli because Snow White's manipulations on my dad were too much to deal with. It's starting to get to that point again for her. Snow White has no respect for anyone around her.
I don't know how things are going to play out now. We have a staff meeting later on today since it is now past midnight. Megara and I aren't going to say anything. It isn't worth it. Snow White will never get in trouble and the blame always falls on Megara and I. If they ask why we aren't talking, "Well what can you do about it?" And, "It is what it is."
If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it, and if you have a question, I'll do my best to answer it.
Until next time, this is Irony wishing you well.
Sincerely,
~ILive4Irony417 a.k.a Amanda.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Hello Again, Out With The Old, Welcome The New
Alright everyone! I know it's been a long time since I've added a new post and things have gotten pretty changed up here since last time. Today's post will not be a life problem blog; it's just going to be a quick catch up for all of you.
So SA and I are just friends, as always. JB and I grew apart and have not spoken in a couple of months. TC and I tried the couple thing, and we work as fiends a lot better. TH has moved in with his father and is attending rehab.
I am still currently single, not looking to mingle. There are a new cast of people in my life at this point, so I'll give you the rundown of my new cast.
Megara- My female best friend and confidant. She's a bit out there, like me and has a complete dirty mind. Previously MC.
Dodger- My super-powered Indian friend. Love the kid to death, how he doesn't colapse under the pressure of his life is beyond me. He's not really super-human (obviously); I just like to think he is. He has the ego the size of Russia, and he likes to think he's a genius...he is, just not when it comes to the creative aspects of the English language. Previously NP.
Snow White- My co-worker. There was some issues with her in the middle, but she's ok now. She's in an abusive relationship with a guy 20 years her senior. She's a complete air-head, and flakey, but she's still pretty cool.
Dee- Dee is a friend on stand-still. I've put a hold on our friendship after he said some messed up things about my family; even though they were true for the most part, he still had no right to say them after all my family has done to support him since he came out as bi-gender. For the sake of it, even though his a she sometimes, I'm just gonna type he. Previously DT.
Afro- That is his actual nickname. He is Dodger's friend, and I've hung out with him a few times. He's really nice and pretty cool.
Brony- He's a cool guy, just obsessed with My Little Pony. He's friends with Afro and Dodger.
Frollo- My other boss. (The one that isn't my dad.) He's a perv, and an ass. His wife is continuously cheating on him, but he also hits on a lot of women and has said some not appropriate things to Megara and I.
Hades- My amazing friend. Almost dated him 3 years ago. Turns out that he's gay. Found that out when he dated and 69'd Megara's brother. Still friends with him and we talk quite a bit.
Cheshire- My fellow fanfiction-er and fabulous friend. She lives in Seattle and has the cutest little daughter. Previously EN.
Hobbit- Dodger's friend. He earned this nickname, when he came to visit me at work and my dad said he looked like the hobbit dude from Lord Of The Rings.
Baloo- He's not so much a friend as he is aquantince.I met him at a concert through Dee. He's a cool guy, loves parties and drugs. We talk semi-frequently.
Mad Hatter/Hatter- My male best friend and other half. He is gayer than the day is long. He's in the closet to almost everyone, and he knows me better than I know myself. Previously MW.
March Hare/Mad March- He is Mad Hatter's boyfriend. I've known him for about 2 years, I think. They are adorable together. He somehow manages to put up with the odd dependancy issue Hatter and I have.
Tito- Hatter's little brother. I call him my own little brother.
Femme Fatale- My new-old-friend. We stopped talking for awhile but we are almost back to where we were.
Red Queen- She's an on-again-off-again friend that I've had for a long time. Previously known as AA on here. Currently our friendship is on stand-still.
Mushu- He's the ex of an old friend that I started to talk to again. We aren't really that close but we talk quite a bit.
Scat Cat- Previously known as SA. He's the ex of a former friend. We have a lot in common. We don't talk much anymore, but we till exchange songs we think the other would like.
Tiger Lily- Previously known as GA. She is one of my closest friends. She is boy crazy, totally out there and I love her to death. We have the same taste in music, and when we're together, we act insane. She is Red Queen's sister.
Milo Thatch- Previously known as TC. The romance is gone, but we're still friends. He's pretty awkward, but a nice guy overall. He really has no clue when it comes to girls.
Tigger- Milo's little sister and my sister's best friend.
Kida- My sister and Tigger's friend.
Mufasa- My newest co-worker. He's pretty cool. I think he's most likely gay. He's pretty funny, and knows what he's doing.
Esmerelda- A girl from my belly dancing class. She's very nice. I dyed her hair for her and she did my nails. She's 25.
Asch- This is her last name. She's another woman from my belly dancing class. She's very nice and I recently went to one of her parties.
Caterpillar- He's friends with Milo. I've known one of his brothers for years. He's usually very nice. He just had his feelings fucked with for over a year by some chick that Tigger is friends with. Currently he's doing the same thing to me and I don't like it. I really do like him though.
White Rabbit- He's a Karate instructor at the dojo by the deli I work at. He's extremely good looking, but I have no romantic interest in him what-so-ever. He's a good friend and is going to Japan in October.General concensus says that he likes me, but I really hope that they are all wrong.
So, why don't I tell you all a little about myself that I haven't, but should share.
Ever been in love?: Yes, once. His name was Justin, but on here I'll call him Jack (Jack- Pixie Lott....good song)
First kiss: I choose to not remember it. I'm counting the one with Milo as my first.
Ever had sex?: No. Asexual...no sex drive...sorry guys.
Ever hated someone?: Nope. I think I may have once, but I can't remember who. I've been close, but I've never truly hated someone.
If you have anything else you want to know about me, then ask. I'll answer as best as I can.
Until next time ~
Love~
Irony
So SA and I are just friends, as always. JB and I grew apart and have not spoken in a couple of months. TC and I tried the couple thing, and we work as fiends a lot better. TH has moved in with his father and is attending rehab.
I am still currently single, not looking to mingle. There are a new cast of people in my life at this point, so I'll give you the rundown of my new cast.
Megara- My female best friend and confidant. She's a bit out there, like me and has a complete dirty mind. Previously MC.
Dodger- My super-powered Indian friend. Love the kid to death, how he doesn't colapse under the pressure of his life is beyond me. He's not really super-human (obviously); I just like to think he is. He has the ego the size of Russia, and he likes to think he's a genius...he is, just not when it comes to the creative aspects of the English language. Previously NP.
Snow White- My co-worker. There was some issues with her in the middle, but she's ok now. She's in an abusive relationship with a guy 20 years her senior. She's a complete air-head, and flakey, but she's still pretty cool.
Dee- Dee is a friend on stand-still. I've put a hold on our friendship after he said some messed up things about my family; even though they were true for the most part, he still had no right to say them after all my family has done to support him since he came out as bi-gender. For the sake of it, even though his a she sometimes, I'm just gonna type he. Previously DT.
Afro- That is his actual nickname. He is Dodger's friend, and I've hung out with him a few times. He's really nice and pretty cool.
Brony- He's a cool guy, just obsessed with My Little Pony. He's friends with Afro and Dodger.
Frollo- My other boss. (The one that isn't my dad.) He's a perv, and an ass. His wife is continuously cheating on him, but he also hits on a lot of women and has said some not appropriate things to Megara and I.
Hades- My amazing friend. Almost dated him 3 years ago. Turns out that he's gay. Found that out when he dated and 69'd Megara's brother. Still friends with him and we talk quite a bit.
Cheshire- My fellow fanfiction-er and fabulous friend. She lives in Seattle and has the cutest little daughter. Previously EN.
Hobbit- Dodger's friend. He earned this nickname, when he came to visit me at work and my dad said he looked like the hobbit dude from Lord Of The Rings.
Baloo- He's not so much a friend as he is aquantince.I met him at a concert through Dee. He's a cool guy, loves parties and drugs. We talk semi-frequently.
Mad Hatter/Hatter- My male best friend and other half. He is gayer than the day is long. He's in the closet to almost everyone, and he knows me better than I know myself. Previously MW.
March Hare/Mad March- He is Mad Hatter's boyfriend. I've known him for about 2 years, I think. They are adorable together. He somehow manages to put up with the odd dependancy issue Hatter and I have.
Tito- Hatter's little brother. I call him my own little brother.
Femme Fatale- My new-old-friend. We stopped talking for awhile but we are almost back to where we were.
Red Queen- She's an on-again-off-again friend that I've had for a long time. Previously known as AA on here. Currently our friendship is on stand-still.
Mushu- He's the ex of an old friend that I started to talk to again. We aren't really that close but we talk quite a bit.
Scat Cat- Previously known as SA. He's the ex of a former friend. We have a lot in common. We don't talk much anymore, but we till exchange songs we think the other would like.
Tiger Lily- Previously known as GA. She is one of my closest friends. She is boy crazy, totally out there and I love her to death. We have the same taste in music, and when we're together, we act insane. She is Red Queen's sister.
Milo Thatch- Previously known as TC. The romance is gone, but we're still friends. He's pretty awkward, but a nice guy overall. He really has no clue when it comes to girls.
Tigger- Milo's little sister and my sister's best friend.
Kida- My sister and Tigger's friend.
Mufasa- My newest co-worker. He's pretty cool. I think he's most likely gay. He's pretty funny, and knows what he's doing.
Esmerelda- A girl from my belly dancing class. She's very nice. I dyed her hair for her and she did my nails. She's 25.
Asch- This is her last name. She's another woman from my belly dancing class. She's very nice and I recently went to one of her parties.
Caterpillar- He's friends with Milo. I've known one of his brothers for years. He's usually very nice. He just had his feelings fucked with for over a year by some chick that Tigger is friends with. Currently he's doing the same thing to me and I don't like it. I really do like him though.
White Rabbit- He's a Karate instructor at the dojo by the deli I work at. He's extremely good looking, but I have no romantic interest in him what-so-ever. He's a good friend and is going to Japan in October.General concensus says that he likes me, but I really hope that they are all wrong.
So, why don't I tell you all a little about myself that I haven't, but should share.
Ever been in love?: Yes, once. His name was Justin, but on here I'll call him Jack (Jack- Pixie Lott....good song)
First kiss: I choose to not remember it. I'm counting the one with Milo as my first.
Ever had sex?: No. Asexual...no sex drive...sorry guys.
Ever hated someone?: Nope. I think I may have once, but I can't remember who. I've been close, but I've never truly hated someone.
If you have anything else you want to know about me, then ask. I'll answer as best as I can.
Until next time ~
Love~
Irony
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Fair-Weather Friends, Giving Up, Letteing Go
Fair-weather friends, everyone of us has them. They're the type of friends that are always there when it's convenient, or they need something, but when it comes time to return the favor they are never there. Sometimes we can be at fault of being one as well. While they aren't the most reliable, they are generally harmless; it's there darker twin that you have to watch out for.
I'm sure we've all witnessed this. The friend with a lot of issues that you're always helping out, but not only do they not return the favor, but they take everything out on you, even when you had nothing to do with why they're mad.
Life Issue # 4
Lately I have been finding myself hanging out with TH, AA, GA, and DT a lot. We've hung out maybe seven times in the last couple weeks. On St. Paddy's Day, we all went to a picnic with some of DT's college buddies. I brought MW and his friend AL with us. TH couldn't make it. AA, DT, and I didn't have our phones on us so instead of texting GA, TH flipped on us and said some very mean things that were uncalled for.
I would like to state that whatever minuscule crush that I had on TH is gone. Aesthetics doesn't count for personality at all! Even if I ever decided to be moronic enough to go that route after all his bullshit, I wouldn't because MW doesn't approve of him. MW and have to give the one another our approval if we were to seriously date anyone. My lovely best friend was ready to hit TH on my behalf.
I refused to talk to TH after that. After a couple days, I wasn't mad at him, but I wasn't going to talk to him either. I was just gonna let him go. Why should I put myself through anymore drama than I have to? It's not like I owe him anything, and it's not like I've known him that long so it's not like it's hard to just be done with him.
About five days ago I found out that my Aunt Grape is dying. She doesn't have long and she's already getting things ready for her passing. She knows she's going to die and I am devastated that such an amazing person has to die. The following afternoon I found out that my Great Grandfather had passed away. I didn't know what to feel. Everything was kinda warring itself out inside of me.
AA and DT decided that I needed something to take my mind off of everything. So they planned a big thing yesterday to cheer me up. TH had finally apologized so I was fine about him tagging along. Him and DT got into a little row and TH started to storm off. I asked him if he was just gonna leave and he said yes. He said he didn't care about what the day meant to me and it ended in a lot of profanity. He made me cry. AA was not happy with him. TH thought the whole thing was funny.
We left and went to go get something to eat when TH called AA because he left his Nook in the car. We went to go give it to him at his house. He made AA get out of the car to hand it to him. When she told him to apologize he just walked away. I got out of the car and said, "The least you could do is apologize." He just walked away. With everything going on, my stress level hit a high and I had a panic attack.
I haven't talked to him since. This morning I had to go to say goodbye to my Aunt and then go to my Poppy's wake. TH has spent the day making AA miserable. She's upset and doesn't know what to do. I( told her to just drop him.he starts talking to him again before he apologizes, then he won't apologize and he'll keep doing the same thing over and over again. He needs to learn that you can't lash out and treat people like crap and expect them to just deal with it and keep being there. If you hurt someone enough times, then they won't stick around. I've been through enough guys treating me like crap and I am not going to do it again.
On a side note, GA has a thing for MW. She doesn't seem to get that he is gay. And then there is the fact that he is "dating" a girl that happens to be very sweet, and knows that she's bearding. His boyfriends happens to be a good friend of mine also. She's starting to get really annoying with the whole thing. She started using my nickname for him, and she's starting to act just like I do with him. I know this might be paranoia, but it's like she's getting ready to nudge me out and take my place once I move to Canada at the end of the year. He is my best friend, he isn't into girls, and he's in a relationship. She needs to get it through her head.
What really got me was that she told me to not be so possessive over him! I am possessive of the nickname I gave him and I am only possessive of him when some chick comes in and thinks she can turn him straight! MW's brother agrees with me and he wants to set GA right. The two of us have waited for a long time for MW to be in a happy, healthy, stable relationship; MW is finally starting to except himself and his brother and I will be damned if we let some girl ruin that for him.
She also accused me of being in love with him. Yeah, no. Don't get me wrong. I love my MW to death, but I am in no way in love with him. The thought of dating him makes me feel sick, just like the thought of dating anyone does. I do not like the idea of relationships, and I definitely don't partake in them. I am just fine being independent. While I do get crushes and develop feelings for some guys, I just don't want to have a relationship. MW and I are codependent, not in a relationship.
(MW and his boyfriend have some intentions of following me up to Canada and then the three of us are going to rent an apartment together.)
So the main points here are:
1.) TH has been taking his problems out on AA, DT, and I. We don't deserve his backlash when we didn't do anything wrong.
2.) I am not speaking to TH, and I am over my tiny little crush on him. I have nine months left in NJ, and I am not going to spend it in confusion over some guy.
3.) My Aunt Grape is dying, and my Great Grandfather just passed away. I Said goodbye to my Aunt this morning and I went to Poppy's wake this afternoon.
4.) TH knew yesterday was supposed to be about cheering me up and he said he didn't care, said some horrible things to me, AA, and DT. Made me cry and induced a panic/anxiety attack.
5.) GA has a crush on a very gay and very not single MW. She doesn't seem to get the, 'He doesn't like boobies and vaginas' thing. And I am paranoid that she is trying to replace me as MW's best friend.
I'm not sure if things will be okay between TH and I ever again. I know that AA is going to talk to him whether or not he apologizes just because she feels bad. I am not sure if DT and TH will ever be friends again, but I hope things work out for them. I just know that I am not going to put myself in this type of situation again. I've come a long way from the insecure little girl I used to be.
I will admit that I am still insecure at times, but at least I know enough now to realize that I don't need this. I deserve more then to be stepped on by someone who claims to be my friend. If he can't put his need for attention aside for one day, just to be there for someone else, than I don't need him. I can't trust him now, so why would I put myself in a friendship that I can't trust? The whole point of being friends and caring about someone is that it's supposed to go both ways, and for TH it doesn't. All he does is take and yell and then expect everyone to just be fine with it because it's him. It's not okay. I'm not playing games until I leave. If he wants to earn my friendship back, then he's going to have to work for it. Some half arsed apology that I doubt I'll even get that, won't cut it.
If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it, and if you have a question, I'll do my best to answer it.
Until next time, this is Irony wishing you well.
Sincerely,
~ILive4Irony417 a.k.a Amanda.
I'm sure we've all witnessed this. The friend with a lot of issues that you're always helping out, but not only do they not return the favor, but they take everything out on you, even when you had nothing to do with why they're mad.
Life Issue # 4
Lately I have been finding myself hanging out with TH, AA, GA, and DT a lot. We've hung out maybe seven times in the last couple weeks. On St. Paddy's Day, we all went to a picnic with some of DT's college buddies. I brought MW and his friend AL with us. TH couldn't make it. AA, DT, and I didn't have our phones on us so instead of texting GA, TH flipped on us and said some very mean things that were uncalled for.
I would like to state that whatever minuscule crush that I had on TH is gone. Aesthetics doesn't count for personality at all! Even if I ever decided to be moronic enough to go that route after all his bullshit, I wouldn't because MW doesn't approve of him. MW and have to give the one another our approval if we were to seriously date anyone. My lovely best friend was ready to hit TH on my behalf.
I refused to talk to TH after that. After a couple days, I wasn't mad at him, but I wasn't going to talk to him either. I was just gonna let him go. Why should I put myself through anymore drama than I have to? It's not like I owe him anything, and it's not like I've known him that long so it's not like it's hard to just be done with him.
About five days ago I found out that my Aunt Grape is dying. She doesn't have long and she's already getting things ready for her passing. She knows she's going to die and I am devastated that such an amazing person has to die. The following afternoon I found out that my Great Grandfather had passed away. I didn't know what to feel. Everything was kinda warring itself out inside of me.
AA and DT decided that I needed something to take my mind off of everything. So they planned a big thing yesterday to cheer me up. TH had finally apologized so I was fine about him tagging along. Him and DT got into a little row and TH started to storm off. I asked him if he was just gonna leave and he said yes. He said he didn't care about what the day meant to me and it ended in a lot of profanity. He made me cry. AA was not happy with him. TH thought the whole thing was funny.
We left and went to go get something to eat when TH called AA because he left his Nook in the car. We went to go give it to him at his house. He made AA get out of the car to hand it to him. When she told him to apologize he just walked away. I got out of the car and said, "The least you could do is apologize." He just walked away. With everything going on, my stress level hit a high and I had a panic attack.
I haven't talked to him since. This morning I had to go to say goodbye to my Aunt and then go to my Poppy's wake. TH has spent the day making AA miserable. She's upset and doesn't know what to do. I( told her to just drop him.he starts talking to him again before he apologizes, then he won't apologize and he'll keep doing the same thing over and over again. He needs to learn that you can't lash out and treat people like crap and expect them to just deal with it and keep being there. If you hurt someone enough times, then they won't stick around. I've been through enough guys treating me like crap and I am not going to do it again.
On a side note, GA has a thing for MW. She doesn't seem to get that he is gay. And then there is the fact that he is "dating" a girl that happens to be very sweet, and knows that she's bearding. His boyfriends happens to be a good friend of mine also. She's starting to get really annoying with the whole thing. She started using my nickname for him, and she's starting to act just like I do with him. I know this might be paranoia, but it's like she's getting ready to nudge me out and take my place once I move to Canada at the end of the year. He is my best friend, he isn't into girls, and he's in a relationship. She needs to get it through her head.
What really got me was that she told me to not be so possessive over him! I am possessive of the nickname I gave him and I am only possessive of him when some chick comes in and thinks she can turn him straight! MW's brother agrees with me and he wants to set GA right. The two of us have waited for a long time for MW to be in a happy, healthy, stable relationship; MW is finally starting to except himself and his brother and I will be damned if we let some girl ruin that for him.
She also accused me of being in love with him. Yeah, no. Don't get me wrong. I love my MW to death, but I am in no way in love with him. The thought of dating him makes me feel sick, just like the thought of dating anyone does. I do not like the idea of relationships, and I definitely don't partake in them. I am just fine being independent. While I do get crushes and develop feelings for some guys, I just don't want to have a relationship. MW and I are codependent, not in a relationship.
(MW and his boyfriend have some intentions of following me up to Canada and then the three of us are going to rent an apartment together.)
So the main points here are:
1.) TH has been taking his problems out on AA, DT, and I. We don't deserve his backlash when we didn't do anything wrong.
2.) I am not speaking to TH, and I am over my tiny little crush on him. I have nine months left in NJ, and I am not going to spend it in confusion over some guy.
3.) My Aunt Grape is dying, and my Great Grandfather just passed away. I Said goodbye to my Aunt this morning and I went to Poppy's wake this afternoon.
4.) TH knew yesterday was supposed to be about cheering me up and he said he didn't care, said some horrible things to me, AA, and DT. Made me cry and induced a panic/anxiety attack.
5.) GA has a crush on a very gay and very not single MW. She doesn't seem to get the, 'He doesn't like boobies and vaginas' thing. And I am paranoid that she is trying to replace me as MW's best friend.
I'm not sure if things will be okay between TH and I ever again. I know that AA is going to talk to him whether or not he apologizes just because she feels bad. I am not sure if DT and TH will ever be friends again, but I hope things work out for them. I just know that I am not going to put myself in this type of situation again. I've come a long way from the insecure little girl I used to be.
I will admit that I am still insecure at times, but at least I know enough now to realize that I don't need this. I deserve more then to be stepped on by someone who claims to be my friend. If he can't put his need for attention aside for one day, just to be there for someone else, than I don't need him. I can't trust him now, so why would I put myself in a friendship that I can't trust? The whole point of being friends and caring about someone is that it's supposed to go both ways, and for TH it doesn't. All he does is take and yell and then expect everyone to just be fine with it because it's him. It's not okay. I'm not playing games until I leave. If he wants to earn my friendship back, then he's going to have to work for it. Some half arsed apology that I doubt I'll even get that, won't cut it.
If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it, and if you have a question, I'll do my best to answer it.
Until next time, this is Irony wishing you well.
Sincerely,
~ILive4Irony417 a.k.a Amanda.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Leaving, Mothers, and Revenge
I know everyone has at one point or another dealt with revenge. I'm not talking about you, yourself having been involved, but you may have been close with someone mixed up in it. While fun and entertaining for a short period, it is not a great thing to deal with. Recently it has been ongoing between my mother and I.
Life issue #3
My mother has recently been put on some anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and a few other crazy pills. Some of the side effects make her not remember things as well, or at all. You can imagine how well that's working out.
When I was younger, she wasn't exactly strict with me or my sister. While there were many things that we weren't allowed to do that other kids our age could, we weren't very supervised. When we lived in PA, I managed to sneak out a lot. As an elementary school student, that was a huge feat. I will admit to thinking that I was a little bad ass back then, but that's to be expected when you were the honorary sister of the neighborhood bullies.
As I got older, I realized that my mother preferred my sister. (We'll call my sister Sunshine on here.) I resented it for a long time, until I realized that meant I'd get more freedom. She didn't notice when I'd leave most of the time. I spent the majority of my sophomore year in high school living at MW's house. I took up residency on his couch. I started calling his mom Momma 2 that year. I had moved into ZL'B's flat for about three months near the end of the summer after my junior year. He had just come home from Afghanistan, and said I could stay there; I was still his honorary sister after all. She never noticed that I'd left. She thought that I just hadn't left my room.
We'd get into fights, and I'd leave and sometimes wouldn't come back for days. She never really cared about what I did as long as it didn't make her look bad. Hell only knows that when I made a mistake, it was to purposely hurt her....at least that's what she thought. When the school had called her to inform her of my self-mutilation, she asked me why I was doing this to her. Yea, because me cutting myself was my way of trying to get to her. She had no clue that I'd been cutting for years already.
This past November, I announced that I was going to move to Canada for eight months in 2013 for school. I want to be a make-up artist, and the best school for it is in Toronto. I had missed the deadline for 2012, but I still want to go. Now, that I'm going to be leaving, she suddenly enforces this strictness out of nowhere.
She has explicitly made clear her dislike of me being around, yet she is doing everything in her power to sabotage my move to Canada. I don't get her most of the time. Some days things are okay between us but others are like an all out war zone. She has no respect for my personal space and has gone through everything in my room on more than one occasion, and then has told me that I was overreacting because I was mad at her for doing so. I am eighteen now, and no longer hers to push around. I do my part and help pay for things in the house as well as all of my own food, clothes and my sister's phone bill. I pull my weight here, so sh has no right to go through my things.
The last year, she has been complaining that I've spent too much time at home and I need to get out more. With the exception of work, I haven't really been going out much. The last couple weeks, I've been hanging out with my friends more, and now she's mad that I'm always out. I'm still home most of the time when I'm not at work. I take care of my sister, I sneak money into her purse in the middle of the night so she has enough, and doesn't have to keep asking my dad for it since they aren't together anymore.
One of her more recent strict enforcements is a curfew, which I didn't even have before I turned 18. I'm a month away from being 19 and now all of a sudden, she gives me a curfew and not even a reasonable one at that., She wants me to be home by 8pm! I don't know what the hell is going through her head. When I questioned her on this, she said it was because I broke a promise and left a soda can in my room.
I never promised her anything, because I know that if I promise her something, she'd find a way to turn it into something that would bite me in the ass in the end. She doesn't want any food or drinks in my room, but if I try to eat with them at the table, then she makes comments about me being a vegetarian and saying the smell of my food makes her sick, so could I please not eat it around her. If I eat in the living room, then I have to leave because someone else wants to be in there, and I'm not welcomed to stay. I can't survive by only eating one meal on the four days that I work at the deli. I keep snacks in my room, since my vegan/vegetarian health food snacks keep disappearing when I leave them in the cupboard. (For all the people I live with complaining about who icky my taste in food is, they sure like to eat my snacks.) I eat my meals in my room, and yes, sometimes I forget to take the plates and bowls out with me, but I do get them out the next day if I forget.
The most recent thing that she's done, that has cemented one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, was something unforgivable. I need to get my papers in order so I can get my passport, so I can go to school in Canada. My mom, dad and I got all of my papers together, and Mama said to let her keep the papers for right now so they don't get lost. Last week I was going to get everything for my passport, but she "lost" the papers.
I asked her for them, and she told me she didn't know where they were, and it was my fault for giving then to her while she was getting used to her new meds. I thought she was joking since she was laughing, but she didn't know where she put my papers and she thought it was fucking hysterical. I wanted to cry. Everyday for the last week, I've asked her if she'd found them, or even looked for them, but she kept saying that she forgot to look, or she hadn';t found them. I asked her again earlier, and she just laughed and said she hadn't found them. I told her it wasn't funny anymore. I got everything ready so I could take a shower, and while I was in the bathroom, my dad asked her what wasn't funny anymore and she said the she knew where my papers were, but why should she go out of her way for someone when they don't listen to her or break promises.
I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut and took my shower. She kept the papers I needed for school away from me over promises that didn't exist, a can of soda, and the fact that I can't be at her beck and call because I have work. She was going to jeopardize my future over a fucking can of soda! And she insists that I'm the one who has something wrong in the head.
So the main points here are:
1.) My mother couldn't have cared less about what I did before she found out I was leaving.
2.) She has imposed a whole set of unreasonable rules for me to follow, after I turned eighteen and now pay for all of my own things, as well as my sister's phone, and giving my mother money whenever she needs it.
3.) She hid my papers for school on me, nearly jeopardizing my future, just because she thought it was justifiable revenge for me leaving a can of soda in my room.
I don't know if I'm overreacting or not, but I don't think I can forgive her for this. I was up in the air about whether or not I was going to stay in Canada after the eight months, but this pretty much cemented my decision. After the eight months, I'm going to stay there; I am not coming back only to deal with her all over again. I'm done with her games, and as soon as I can, I want her to no longer be a major factor in my life.
Earlier she told my dad that she was worried about me, but she spent the last week watching me breakdown into an emotional wreck and have panic attack after panic attack, with a smile on her face, over my lost papers, that she had all along. To me, that doesn't sound like she was worried much. I don't know, does it sound like she was worried to you? I've been known to overreact, so I would very much like your feedback and advice. I just don't know what to do about this.
I'm not saying that she's a bad mother. In fact, when it comes to Sunshine, or anybody else's kids, she's a wonderful parent. It's just that when it comes to me, she's a different person. She's not a huge fan of my father, and not only do I look like his side of the family, I act just like him. It can't be helped, but it doesn't mean that it hurts any less.
As always, leave your comments and advice, and if you have any questions, I will answer them as honestly as I am able.
Until next time...
Sincerely,
ILive4Irony a.k.a Amanda
Life issue #3
My mother has recently been put on some anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and a few other crazy pills. Some of the side effects make her not remember things as well, or at all. You can imagine how well that's working out.
When I was younger, she wasn't exactly strict with me or my sister. While there were many things that we weren't allowed to do that other kids our age could, we weren't very supervised. When we lived in PA, I managed to sneak out a lot. As an elementary school student, that was a huge feat. I will admit to thinking that I was a little bad ass back then, but that's to be expected when you were the honorary sister of the neighborhood bullies.
As I got older, I realized that my mother preferred my sister. (We'll call my sister Sunshine on here.) I resented it for a long time, until I realized that meant I'd get more freedom. She didn't notice when I'd leave most of the time. I spent the majority of my sophomore year in high school living at MW's house. I took up residency on his couch. I started calling his mom Momma 2 that year. I had moved into ZL'B's flat for about three months near the end of the summer after my junior year. He had just come home from Afghanistan, and said I could stay there; I was still his honorary sister after all. She never noticed that I'd left. She thought that I just hadn't left my room.
We'd get into fights, and I'd leave and sometimes wouldn't come back for days. She never really cared about what I did as long as it didn't make her look bad. Hell only knows that when I made a mistake, it was to purposely hurt her....at least that's what she thought. When the school had called her to inform her of my self-mutilation, she asked me why I was doing this to her. Yea, because me cutting myself was my way of trying to get to her. She had no clue that I'd been cutting for years already.
This past November, I announced that I was going to move to Canada for eight months in 2013 for school. I want to be a make-up artist, and the best school for it is in Toronto. I had missed the deadline for 2012, but I still want to go. Now, that I'm going to be leaving, she suddenly enforces this strictness out of nowhere.
She has explicitly made clear her dislike of me being around, yet she is doing everything in her power to sabotage my move to Canada. I don't get her most of the time. Some days things are okay between us but others are like an all out war zone. She has no respect for my personal space and has gone through everything in my room on more than one occasion, and then has told me that I was overreacting because I was mad at her for doing so. I am eighteen now, and no longer hers to push around. I do my part and help pay for things in the house as well as all of my own food, clothes and my sister's phone bill. I pull my weight here, so sh has no right to go through my things.
The last year, she has been complaining that I've spent too much time at home and I need to get out more. With the exception of work, I haven't really been going out much. The last couple weeks, I've been hanging out with my friends more, and now she's mad that I'm always out. I'm still home most of the time when I'm not at work. I take care of my sister, I sneak money into her purse in the middle of the night so she has enough, and doesn't have to keep asking my dad for it since they aren't together anymore.
One of her more recent strict enforcements is a curfew, which I didn't even have before I turned 18. I'm a month away from being 19 and now all of a sudden, she gives me a curfew and not even a reasonable one at that., She wants me to be home by 8pm! I don't know what the hell is going through her head. When I questioned her on this, she said it was because I broke a promise and left a soda can in my room.
I never promised her anything, because I know that if I promise her something, she'd find a way to turn it into something that would bite me in the ass in the end. She doesn't want any food or drinks in my room, but if I try to eat with them at the table, then she makes comments about me being a vegetarian and saying the smell of my food makes her sick, so could I please not eat it around her. If I eat in the living room, then I have to leave because someone else wants to be in there, and I'm not welcomed to stay. I can't survive by only eating one meal on the four days that I work at the deli. I keep snacks in my room, since my vegan/vegetarian health food snacks keep disappearing when I leave them in the cupboard. (For all the people I live with complaining about who icky my taste in food is, they sure like to eat my snacks.) I eat my meals in my room, and yes, sometimes I forget to take the plates and bowls out with me, but I do get them out the next day if I forget.
The most recent thing that she's done, that has cemented one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, was something unforgivable. I need to get my papers in order so I can get my passport, so I can go to school in Canada. My mom, dad and I got all of my papers together, and Mama said to let her keep the papers for right now so they don't get lost. Last week I was going to get everything for my passport, but she "lost" the papers.
I asked her for them, and she told me she didn't know where they were, and it was my fault for giving then to her while she was getting used to her new meds. I thought she was joking since she was laughing, but she didn't know where she put my papers and she thought it was fucking hysterical. I wanted to cry. Everyday for the last week, I've asked her if she'd found them, or even looked for them, but she kept saying that she forgot to look, or she hadn';t found them. I asked her again earlier, and she just laughed and said she hadn't found them. I told her it wasn't funny anymore. I got everything ready so I could take a shower, and while I was in the bathroom, my dad asked her what wasn't funny anymore and she said the she knew where my papers were, but why should she go out of her way for someone when they don't listen to her or break promises.
I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut and took my shower. She kept the papers I needed for school away from me over promises that didn't exist, a can of soda, and the fact that I can't be at her beck and call because I have work. She was going to jeopardize my future over a fucking can of soda! And she insists that I'm the one who has something wrong in the head.
So the main points here are:
1.) My mother couldn't have cared less about what I did before she found out I was leaving.
2.) She has imposed a whole set of unreasonable rules for me to follow, after I turned eighteen and now pay for all of my own things, as well as my sister's phone, and giving my mother money whenever she needs it.
3.) She hid my papers for school on me, nearly jeopardizing my future, just because she thought it was justifiable revenge for me leaving a can of soda in my room.
I don't know if I'm overreacting or not, but I don't think I can forgive her for this. I was up in the air about whether or not I was going to stay in Canada after the eight months, but this pretty much cemented my decision. After the eight months, I'm going to stay there; I am not coming back only to deal with her all over again. I'm done with her games, and as soon as I can, I want her to no longer be a major factor in my life.
Earlier she told my dad that she was worried about me, but she spent the last week watching me breakdown into an emotional wreck and have panic attack after panic attack, with a smile on her face, over my lost papers, that she had all along. To me, that doesn't sound like she was worried much. I don't know, does it sound like she was worried to you? I've been known to overreact, so I would very much like your feedback and advice. I just don't know what to do about this.
I'm not saying that she's a bad mother. In fact, when it comes to Sunshine, or anybody else's kids, she's a wonderful parent. It's just that when it comes to me, she's a different person. She's not a huge fan of my father, and not only do I look like his side of the family, I act just like him. It can't be helped, but it doesn't mean that it hurts any less.
As always, leave your comments and advice, and if you have any questions, I will answer them as honestly as I am able.
Until next time...
Sincerely,
ILive4Irony a.k.a Amanda
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Friends With Siblings, Fallouts, and Changes
You know how some people say that everything can change in a short amount of time? Well they're right. It might not seem like such a big deal, but sometimes you just realize that something or someone just isn't good for you. Sometimes cutting them loose can make everything brighter. Sometimes it's just one friend that makes everything brighter by just talking to them. So without out further ado, here's the next one.
Life Issue #2
About a month ago JB got into a huge blowout fight with his father and left. His sister AB texted me. In all fairness, I've known JB longer, but I was friends with AB first. I stayed in touch with him for a couple weeks, but about two weeks ago, he just dropped from the face of the Earth. It was around that same time when I started going through some personal problems that I will not get into right now.
I stopped talking to the majority of my friends and family. I needed the time to just get myself together. A couple years ago, I dragged a lot of people into my problems, and I didn't want to do that again. What I was going through, and still am, is something that I just have to handle on my own.
And as a side note, I would like to add that AB has a 2 (almost 3) year old son. She is also 17. I find nothing wrong with that and she's a great mother.
I cut JB out of my life because I couldn't handle the constant worry of his disappearance, and my own problems. It may sound a little selfish, but I honestly can't handle any extra stress with the way my mind currently is. (Anxiety/Panic disorder, depression, and the emotional capacity of a shoe just to start with. Not joking about the last one, my mind doesn't really process emotions. My body knows what I'm feeling, but my mind doesn't register it, so I don't actually feel it at all.)
The only places I've been going to are work, therapy and my room. At home, I don't leave my room unless I have to get something, shower, or my sister needs me. The only family members I've been talking to are my sister, my mom, my dad, my step dad, and minimal greetings with my step-sisters. Out of my adopted family (My friends from when I lived in PA. We formed a little makeshift family since we didn't really get along with our actual families.) I only talked to my brother, WL'B, his husband, NL'B, my other brother, ZL'B, and our cousin's father, AJB. Though with the exception of NL'B, it was minimal conversation. Out of my friends I only stayed in contact with MC since I work with her and she's my voice of reason, MW since he's my best friend above even partners, EN but that was only since we're writing a story together, SA but that's just about music he thinks I'd like, TC and that's just about video games, and then lastly is NP who I've talked to everyday on facebook for the last month. Anyone else I've talked to is either because I work with them, they were a customer, or they had contacted me.
A few days ago AB texted me flipping out and saying that she thought I was different, and that she's done with me, and all that. I asked her what she was talking about. Apparently she thought I was just being friends with her to get to her brother. I was friends with her before I even knew they were related! I told her that I wasn't talking to her brother either and that I was going through some personal issues, and that I told her January and February were going to be hard months for me to do anything. I'm getting everything in order for my move to Canada at the end of the year, there's the issue with the custody of my step-sisters, I have work, therapy, and I have a month before I can get my anti-anxiety meds so I'm very on edge. She knew all this already. She told me that I should have told her what was going on. I already told her I was going through some difficult things weeks ago, and it isn't her business what's going on in my life so I don't have to tell her anything!
She has a baby boy that she has to look after, and I'm not going to go over to her house and risk having an anxiety/panic attack there! It's scary to see someone having one of them, and I will not be responsible for scaring an innocent little kid. I saw a meltdown when I was a baby; it's one of my first memories, and I still get nightmares about it sometimes. I will not put anyone else through that!
She then sent me a text saying that she only wanted to be here for me but she can't because I won't let her. Firstly, she has a son that she should be focused on and not my problems. Secondly, if she wanted to be here for me then she'd stop yelling at me every time I don't do what she wants. I get that she didn't have the teenage experience since she had a kid so young, but you don't yell at and manipulate people you care about. I simply told her that I can't have people near me when I'm like this, I've been in this place before and I know how to take care of it. Her getting mad at me for a mental imbalance that I can't control doesn't help. I stopped responding to her after that.
I need to worry about getting better right now, not trying to keep her from getting mad at me for no reason.
On a side note, at my Anti-Valentine's Day party, one of the guys I invited decided to bring his best friend, TH. We've been a little flirty, but it's just in good fun. He's a great guy and we have a lot in common. I spent a lot of time hanging out with him at the party, and he even helped me reign in my sister and her friends without me asking him to. He really just wanted to help me. The big bonus was that he actually looked at my face and not my boobs when he was talking to me. (Trust me, that's a big deal when you have an F cup. I hate having big boobs.)
Second side note, talking to NP has done wonders for my mental health. He doesn't bring up the past, we don't reminisce, we just talk about what's going on with us right now, and we tease each other. It's nice talking to someone who's known me for such a long time, and doesn't treat me like the girl I used to be. He's such a sweetheart, even if he can be a sarcastic arse at times. He can make me forget everything for awhile and makes me laugh even when I don't think I can. I actually look forward to his messages everyday. I really hope that we stay friends for a long time, even if we don't get to see each other much due to conflicting schedules. He actually makes me relaxed and happy, even when I worry that he might exhaust himself with his 18-hour days. He really is amazing, and I tell him that at the risk of inflating his ego. I like that I don't have to try to think of something to say to him, it just comes naturally to know what to say with him. I never second guess myself with him, and if I say something stupid,I know he won't hold it against me.
So the main points here are:
1.) I no longer have a crush on JB. He was causing undue stress and we are currently not talking to each other.
2.) AB and I had a fallout due to things having to be her way and my breakdown not complying with that.
3.) I am currently not talking to a lot of my friends and family, and for the most part they are understanding and just want me to get better.
4.) TH is an amazing guy and maybe he'll get into the same place that SA and TC are. (I might just be head over heels for TC, but I'm not good with actually knowing what I feel.)
5.) NP has got to be one of the most astounding friends I have ever had. Currently he is the only one who can just make the buzzing in my head stop, and he's the only one who can actually chase away all those what ifs and that pesky over-thinking that I do. The best part is, other then actually getting my brain to process and feel 'happy', is that he does it without causing all those otherannoying, confusing emotions that TC does.
I don't know if JB and I will ever talk again, and if we do I'm pretty sure that I won't be talking to his sister anytime soon. Am I wrong for getting frustrated with her? I'm pretty sure she meant well and was just worried, but she could have asked if everything was okay before she started yelling at me. If EN and I don't talk for weeks on end, we both know it's because we got busy or certain things came up; we never get mad at each other, we just ask if every thing's okay. The best friends you could have are the ones you can fall out of touch with, but when you start talking again, it's like no time had passed at all. I don't know if I should apologize to AB for making her worry, even though I told her it was going to be hard for us to hang out until March.
Even though it feels like a weight's been lifted from my chest, I don't know if not sticking it out with JB makes me a bad person. I know that I can be selfish at times. Everyone can be, anddon't deny it. Was ending the weird limbo between the two of us the right thing to do? Was it just selfish? Or does it just make a bad friend and a terrible person?
Again, if you have a question, or any advice for me then feel free to ask! Until next time, this is Irony wishing you well.
Sincerely,
~ILive4Irony417 a.k.a Amanda.
Life Issue #2
About a month ago JB got into a huge blowout fight with his father and left. His sister AB texted me. In all fairness, I've known JB longer, but I was friends with AB first. I stayed in touch with him for a couple weeks, but about two weeks ago, he just dropped from the face of the Earth. It was around that same time when I started going through some personal problems that I will not get into right now.
I stopped talking to the majority of my friends and family. I needed the time to just get myself together. A couple years ago, I dragged a lot of people into my problems, and I didn't want to do that again. What I was going through, and still am, is something that I just have to handle on my own.
And as a side note, I would like to add that AB has a 2 (almost 3) year old son. She is also 17. I find nothing wrong with that and she's a great mother.
I cut JB out of my life because I couldn't handle the constant worry of his disappearance, and my own problems. It may sound a little selfish, but I honestly can't handle any extra stress with the way my mind currently is. (Anxiety/Panic disorder, depression, and the emotional capacity of a shoe just to start with. Not joking about the last one, my mind doesn't really process emotions. My body knows what I'm feeling, but my mind doesn't register it, so I don't actually feel it at all.)
The only places I've been going to are work, therapy and my room. At home, I don't leave my room unless I have to get something, shower, or my sister needs me. The only family members I've been talking to are my sister, my mom, my dad, my step dad, and minimal greetings with my step-sisters. Out of my adopted family (My friends from when I lived in PA. We formed a little makeshift family since we didn't really get along with our actual families.) I only talked to my brother, WL'B, his husband, NL'B, my other brother, ZL'B, and our cousin's father, AJB. Though with the exception of NL'B, it was minimal conversation. Out of my friends I only stayed in contact with MC since I work with her and she's my voice of reason, MW since he's my best friend above even partners, EN but that was only since we're writing a story together, SA but that's just about music he thinks I'd like, TC and that's just about video games, and then lastly is NP who I've talked to everyday on facebook for the last month. Anyone else I've talked to is either because I work with them, they were a customer, or they had contacted me.
A few days ago AB texted me flipping out and saying that she thought I was different, and that she's done with me, and all that. I asked her what she was talking about. Apparently she thought I was just being friends with her to get to her brother. I was friends with her before I even knew they were related! I told her that I wasn't talking to her brother either and that I was going through some personal issues, and that I told her January and February were going to be hard months for me to do anything. I'm getting everything in order for my move to Canada at the end of the year, there's the issue with the custody of my step-sisters, I have work, therapy, and I have a month before I can get my anti-anxiety meds so I'm very on edge. She knew all this already. She told me that I should have told her what was going on. I already told her I was going through some difficult things weeks ago, and it isn't her business what's going on in my life so I don't have to tell her anything!
She has a baby boy that she has to look after, and I'm not going to go over to her house and risk having an anxiety/panic attack there! It's scary to see someone having one of them, and I will not be responsible for scaring an innocent little kid. I saw a meltdown when I was a baby; it's one of my first memories, and I still get nightmares about it sometimes. I will not put anyone else through that!
She then sent me a text saying that she only wanted to be here for me but she can't because I won't let her. Firstly, she has a son that she should be focused on and not my problems. Secondly, if she wanted to be here for me then she'd stop yelling at me every time I don't do what she wants. I get that she didn't have the teenage experience since she had a kid so young, but you don't yell at and manipulate people you care about. I simply told her that I can't have people near me when I'm like this, I've been in this place before and I know how to take care of it. Her getting mad at me for a mental imbalance that I can't control doesn't help. I stopped responding to her after that.
I need to worry about getting better right now, not trying to keep her from getting mad at me for no reason.
On a side note, at my Anti-Valentine's Day party, one of the guys I invited decided to bring his best friend, TH. We've been a little flirty, but it's just in good fun. He's a great guy and we have a lot in common. I spent a lot of time hanging out with him at the party, and he even helped me reign in my sister and her friends without me asking him to. He really just wanted to help me. The big bonus was that he actually looked at my face and not my boobs when he was talking to me. (Trust me, that's a big deal when you have an F cup. I hate having big boobs.)
Second side note, talking to NP has done wonders for my mental health. He doesn't bring up the past, we don't reminisce, we just talk about what's going on with us right now, and we tease each other. It's nice talking to someone who's known me for such a long time, and doesn't treat me like the girl I used to be. He's such a sweetheart, even if he can be a sarcastic arse at times. He can make me forget everything for awhile and makes me laugh even when I don't think I can. I actually look forward to his messages everyday. I really hope that we stay friends for a long time, even if we don't get to see each other much due to conflicting schedules. He actually makes me relaxed and happy, even when I worry that he might exhaust himself with his 18-hour days. He really is amazing, and I tell him that at the risk of inflating his ego. I like that I don't have to try to think of something to say to him, it just comes naturally to know what to say with him. I never second guess myself with him, and if I say something stupid,
So the main points here are:
1.) I no longer have a crush on JB. He was causing undue stress and we are currently not talking to each other.
2.) AB and I had a fallout due to things having to be her way and my breakdown not complying with that.
3.) I am currently not talking to a lot of my friends and family, and for the most part they are understanding and just want me to get better.
4.) TH is an amazing guy and maybe he'll get into the same place that SA and TC are. (I might just be head over heels for TC, but I'm not good with actually knowing what I feel.)
5.) NP has got to be one of the most astounding friends I have ever had. Currently he is the only one who can just make the buzzing in my head stop, and he's the only one who can actually chase away all those what ifs and that pesky over-thinking that I do. The best part is, other then actually getting my brain to process and feel 'happy', is that he does it without causing all those other
I don't know if JB and I will ever talk again, and if we do I'm pretty sure that I won't be talking to his sister anytime soon. Am I wrong for getting frustrated with her? I'm pretty sure she meant well and was just worried, but she could have asked if everything was okay before she started yelling at me. If EN and I don't talk for weeks on end, we both know it's because we got busy or certain things came up; we never get mad at each other, we just ask if every thing's okay. The best friends you could have are the ones you can fall out of touch with, but when you start talking again, it's like no time had passed at all. I don't know if I should apologize to AB for making her worry, even though I told her it was going to be hard for us to hang out until March.
Even though it feels like a weight's been lifted from my chest, I don't know if not sticking it out with JB makes me a bad person. I know that I can be selfish at times. Everyone can be, and
Again, if you have a question, or any advice for me then feel free to ask! Until next time, this is Irony wishing you well.
Sincerely,
~ILive4Irony417 a.k.a Amanda.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Moments Past, and Bittersweet Memories
I’d like to think that I’ve come a long from who I was. Looking back, I can’t remember when the changes even happened. It probably wasn’t just one big thing, but a lot of smaller things that added up over time to make this change. I didn’t know what would work and what wouldn’t, the good choices from the bad and sometimes what seemed like a good idea at the time turned out to not be such a good idea and vice versa. Everything about who I am now was because of a lot of trial and error. It was a lot of sticking my hand into the fire to see if it really was hot; yes, I got burned more times than I would like to admit, but I also found out some cold hard facts and lessons I needed to learn from doing so.
I won’t say that I don’t remember any of those little moments when I changed. Some weren’t that memorable, but some of them were. Some were those life-changing pivotal moments, some were just too good to forget, and then there are those that are painful to remember but so hard to forget. Life is made out of infinite amounts of moments, and not all are good, but they all help shape who we are. Some slip by, but if they were really important then they’ll come again; if you let them slip a second time, then that’s your fault, and you should hope it wasn’t important. I won’t say that I never let anything slip by, I did and I do regret that, but I erased my regrets and tried to make things right. The one thing I took the longest to learn, is that you can’t always fix everything, some things are meant to be left alone.
There is no undeniable truth in the world. Honesty is different for everyone. You can be one of the most honest people in the world, but even you would have lied to yourself at one point. No matter how honest we are with everyone else, we aren’t always honest with ourselves. We pretend things aren’t happening, we pretend that things aren’t that bad or too good to be true, but sometimes they just are. It’s hard to be honest with yourself when half of the time we don’t even know what we’re feeling or thinking.
If I were to be honest with myself, I would admit that I am not proud of many of the things that I have done but I am proud of who I was. Even with all of the unfortunate things I’ve done, I was willing to make things right and grow up. I was someone who was capable of change. I don’t regret anything that I’ve done because it has made me into who I am now, and I’m starting to like who I am. The only regrets I have are for the things I wish I’d done but didn’t.
There are moments in my life that I’d tried to recapture, but you can’t recapture a moment in time; it becomes a memory and some memories feel like dreams. Sometimes I confuse one with the other. Sometimes I can’t tell when I’m awake from when I’m asleep. Most of my life is a state in between; I’m not fully awake, but I’m not asleep either. If I hadn’t always wrote everything down, I’m sure I would have lost the line between the two a long time ago.
I thought that when I sobered up, I would be awake again, but I still feel the same way I did then, just without the constant haze in my head. I’m a lot hazier now then I was. Even with all of the drugs and alcohol, I feel as if I had more clarity then than I do now. It’s a scary thought, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be true. For all I know I’m writing this in a dream, and I’ll wake up tomorrow looking for this document and it won’t be there. I’ve had much more detailed dreams than this before. I’d once dreamt an entire school year and when I woke up, I couldn’t bring myself to admit that the friends I had in my dream weren’t really my friends and the friends I had were my enemies in the dream.
I won’t admit certain aspects of my life, but those are more private and I would like them to stay that way. Anything I don’t say was left unsaid for a reason and should stay that way. I am only a small part in the world. Every great thing is made from much smaller parts, just like the bad parts of life are built on smaller problems that just added up until they became this huge thing that feels like you can’t get away from it.
Everything we do has an effect. It might not be a direct efect on you, but it will effect someone else. Everything effects everything. We can't just say and/or do whatever we want; our actions and words have consequences. Some may be good, and other's not so good. I learned this lesson a long time ago, but for some it's harder to learn. Just because what you're saying or doing at the moment isn't hurting you, it might be hurting someone else. Something that you meant as a joke, might be more harmful than funny. You never know how you will effect people; take responsibility for what your actions, your words. Even if you didn't intend for it to be how it was percieved, it still hurt someone. Let them know that's not how you meant it, but appologize for hurting them. The truth is, you never know who someone else is behind closed doors.
That girl who acts all bitchy, and snaps at everyone? Well she's just trying to keep everyone away so they don't find the bruises from when he dad hits her. The girl who's always so loud, surrounded by drama, and has a ton of friends? Her mom's an emotionally abusive drunk, her dad is too ill to help, and she has to take care of her drug addicted sister's son. That really dorky, nerdy guy that everyone loves and is friends with? He's emotionally and mentally abusive to his girlfriend and her friends. The really preppy girl who heads every school club. is class president, and get's perfect grades? She's about ready to crack; her mother demands her to do all of it, and even though she's the top of her class and excells in everything, she's still not good enough for her dear mother. That weird artsy guy that you all love to avoid and make fun of? He's an amazing artist who tolerates the gay jokes, because he is gay, he's one of the sweetest guys you could know, and some day his name will be known worldwide for his art.
I went to school with these people. I've been their friend, I've been their enemy, I've bad mouthed some of them, some of them bad mouthed me. We learn from who we were, we grow up and we move past it. Sometimes it's easier said than done. MP is still trying to please her mother. LB moved in with her boyfriend to get away from her drunkard mother. AM moved in with her mother who hates he because it was better than living with her abusive father. DB, well he still thinks what he did to those girls wasn't wrong; he thinks he was too nice, but now everyone knows what he did. RP, he works at a craft store, and is on his way to becoming a famous artist.
You don't know who people are when no one's looking, and you don't know who we'll all be in the future. We change all the time. Life is the longest journey any of us will take. It's painful, it will make you cry, it will make you smile, make you laugh, and it will introduce you to the most eclectic group of people. There is no sure fire way for everything to turn out all right. The truth is that sometimes it just doesn't; sometimes it won't be okay, and sometimes it ends tragically. Most of the time, the ending isn't happy, it's not a fairytale. Most of the time the ending is bittersweet, that's life. There's always that twinge of sadness when something ends, whether it be a book, a TV show, your school year, or a life.
You never know what's going to happen tomorrow, and it's just as well. We can't spend all our time striving for the future, or worrying about it, beacause then we'll miss what's happening now, what's happening today. You do what you have to, but don't forget that everything can change in a moment. The best thing to do is plan for the future, but play it by day. Out of so many trials and errors, I learned that this is the best way for me to go.
I’m just taking it day by day, and hopefully one day I will figure it all out. Right now, I’m just going to make the most out of what I do know, and wait for everything to slowly move into place. Eventually I’ll get to where I’m meant to be, so for now I’ll just cry when I’m hurting, laugh whenever I can, and remember that life changes unexpectedly so I should cherish what I have while I have it. We all grow up, it’s just about whether or not me decide to move on from who were as well.
I won’t say that I don’t remember any of those little moments when I changed. Some weren’t that memorable, but some of them were. Some were those life-changing pivotal moments, some were just too good to forget, and then there are those that are painful to remember but so hard to forget. Life is made out of infinite amounts of moments, and not all are good, but they all help shape who we are. Some slip by, but if they were really important then they’ll come again; if you let them slip a second time, then that’s your fault, and you should hope it wasn’t important. I won’t say that I never let anything slip by, I did and I do regret that, but I erased my regrets and tried to make things right. The one thing I took the longest to learn, is that you can’t always fix everything, some things are meant to be left alone.
There is no undeniable truth in the world. Honesty is different for everyone. You can be one of the most honest people in the world, but even you would have lied to yourself at one point. No matter how honest we are with everyone else, we aren’t always honest with ourselves. We pretend things aren’t happening, we pretend that things aren’t that bad or too good to be true, but sometimes they just are. It’s hard to be honest with yourself when half of the time we don’t even know what we’re feeling or thinking.
If I were to be honest with myself, I would admit that I am not proud of many of the things that I have done but I am proud of who I was. Even with all of the unfortunate things I’ve done, I was willing to make things right and grow up. I was someone who was capable of change. I don’t regret anything that I’ve done because it has made me into who I am now, and I’m starting to like who I am. The only regrets I have are for the things I wish I’d done but didn’t.
There are moments in my life that I’d tried to recapture, but you can’t recapture a moment in time; it becomes a memory and some memories feel like dreams. Sometimes I confuse one with the other. Sometimes I can’t tell when I’m awake from when I’m asleep. Most of my life is a state in between; I’m not fully awake, but I’m not asleep either. If I hadn’t always wrote everything down, I’m sure I would have lost the line between the two a long time ago.
I thought that when I sobered up, I would be awake again, but I still feel the same way I did then, just without the constant haze in my head. I’m a lot hazier now then I was. Even with all of the drugs and alcohol, I feel as if I had more clarity then than I do now. It’s a scary thought, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be true. For all I know I’m writing this in a dream, and I’ll wake up tomorrow looking for this document and it won’t be there. I’ve had much more detailed dreams than this before. I’d once dreamt an entire school year and when I woke up, I couldn’t bring myself to admit that the friends I had in my dream weren’t really my friends and the friends I had were my enemies in the dream.
I won’t admit certain aspects of my life, but those are more private and I would like them to stay that way. Anything I don’t say was left unsaid for a reason and should stay that way. I am only a small part in the world. Every great thing is made from much smaller parts, just like the bad parts of life are built on smaller problems that just added up until they became this huge thing that feels like you can’t get away from it.
Everything we do has an effect. It might not be a direct efect on you, but it will effect someone else. Everything effects everything. We can't just say and/or do whatever we want; our actions and words have consequences. Some may be good, and other's not so good. I learned this lesson a long time ago, but for some it's harder to learn. Just because what you're saying or doing at the moment isn't hurting you, it might be hurting someone else. Something that you meant as a joke, might be more harmful than funny. You never know how you will effect people; take responsibility for what your actions, your words. Even if you didn't intend for it to be how it was percieved, it still hurt someone. Let them know that's not how you meant it, but appologize for hurting them. The truth is, you never know who someone else is behind closed doors.
That girl who acts all bitchy, and snaps at everyone? Well she's just trying to keep everyone away so they don't find the bruises from when he dad hits her. The girl who's always so loud, surrounded by drama, and has a ton of friends? Her mom's an emotionally abusive drunk, her dad is too ill to help, and she has to take care of her drug addicted sister's son. That really dorky, nerdy guy that everyone loves and is friends with? He's emotionally and mentally abusive to his girlfriend and her friends. The really preppy girl who heads every school club. is class president, and get's perfect grades? She's about ready to crack; her mother demands her to do all of it, and even though she's the top of her class and excells in everything, she's still not good enough for her dear mother. That weird artsy guy that you all love to avoid and make fun of? He's an amazing artist who tolerates the gay jokes, because he is gay, he's one of the sweetest guys you could know, and some day his name will be known worldwide for his art.
I went to school with these people. I've been their friend, I've been their enemy, I've bad mouthed some of them, some of them bad mouthed me. We learn from who we were, we grow up and we move past it. Sometimes it's easier said than done. MP is still trying to please her mother. LB moved in with her boyfriend to get away from her drunkard mother. AM moved in with her mother who hates he because it was better than living with her abusive father. DB, well he still thinks what he did to those girls wasn't wrong; he thinks he was too nice, but now everyone knows what he did. RP, he works at a craft store, and is on his way to becoming a famous artist.
You don't know who people are when no one's looking, and you don't know who we'll all be in the future. We change all the time. Life is the longest journey any of us will take. It's painful, it will make you cry, it will make you smile, make you laugh, and it will introduce you to the most eclectic group of people. There is no sure fire way for everything to turn out all right. The truth is that sometimes it just doesn't; sometimes it won't be okay, and sometimes it ends tragically. Most of the time, the ending isn't happy, it's not a fairytale. Most of the time the ending is bittersweet, that's life. There's always that twinge of sadness when something ends, whether it be a book, a TV show, your school year, or a life.
You never know what's going to happen tomorrow, and it's just as well. We can't spend all our time striving for the future, or worrying about it, beacause then we'll miss what's happening now, what's happening today. You do what you have to, but don't forget that everything can change in a moment. The best thing to do is plan for the future, but play it by day. Out of so many trials and errors, I learned that this is the best way for me to go.
I’m just taking it day by day, and hopefully one day I will figure it all out. Right now, I’m just going to make the most out of what I do know, and wait for everything to slowly move into place. Eventually I’ll get to where I’m meant to be, so for now I’ll just cry when I’m hurting, laugh whenever I can, and remember that life changes unexpectedly so I should cherish what I have while I have it. We all grow up, it’s just about whether or not me decide to move on from who were as well.
Love Triangles, & Unsure Feelings
Hey, this is Irony here. Some of you know me as Amanda if you're coming from some of the other sites I belong to. I'm not going to wax poetic on you, I just need a space to write my thoughts and get feedback. I trust people who don't know me as well to give me a more honest feedback.
So let's get to it :
Life issue #1 - As a girl, I spent a lot of time when I was younger putting together what I thought my perfect guy would be like. He would have great music taste, prefer DC to Marvel, love horror movies, etc. Of course, it's not like I found him right away.
In the mean time I went through some romantic rough patches. Dating the male best friend didn't go so well, some were liars, and the one that I actually did love ended because I messed up. Oh, and let's not forget that most of my friends are gay, lesbian, bisexual, pans/omnisexual, transexual, etc. It's hard finding a guy my age that can handle that.
Currently I have really strong feelings for a guy that is NOTHING like what I had planned for in a dream guy. He's into RPG's, he has no taste in music, he has barely any idea of what Marvel and DC are, and he hates horror movies. To be honest, I think I might just love him, but I'm not entirely sure of my feelings yet. We'll call this guy TC.
There's this other guy that's pretty close to what I've always wanted. I had a crush on him when we were freshman in high school, and after certain events, we recently became friends after having not talked to each toher for a few years. We have the same tastes, and he secretly loves DC. The only thing is, he can't hold up a conversation unless it's through texting. He'll call me if he's worried about me, but it would be nice if when we're hanging out he would actually be able to hold a convo that lasted more than 30 seconds. We'll call this guy JB.
TC and I can and have talked on the phone all day. It's usually about the weirdest things, like how we wish cartoons and TV shows were like they were when we were younger. (What happened to Rugrats, Hey Arnold!, Code Lyoko, All That, Clarissa Explains It All, Hey Dude, Teen Titans, Power Puff Girls? I mean, What the Hell is Adventure TIme?! The cartoons and teens shows that are on now are ridiculous. Who wants to watch a sexually confused sponge, or animals in their underwear?) We dork out over anime/comi-coms. And we talk politics. He doesn't even mind when I show him new music since he doesn't really have a specific taste in it.
There's a third guy that we're going to call SA. SA is in a band, we have similar tastes in music, comics, and movies. We even both own dwarf rabbits. We talk about music all the time and introduce each other to really great bands that we would't have found otherwise. He's in a band himself, and they're really good. They're called the Unbearable Slackers. He's really sweet and I've known him for awhile. He's even checked out and helped me with my song lyrics.He's the embodiment of everything I wanted for m y dream guy, but I have no romantic inclinations towards him whatsoever.
So the main points here are :
1.) I have strong feelings, that may or may not be love, for a guy that is nothing like what I dreamed for.
2.) I have a crush on a guy that is pretty much everything I want, but there just really aren't any sparks. He and I undersdtand each other, but we just don't connect.
3.) I found my dream guy, but I have absolutly zero romantic feelings for him.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Everyone says JB and I are so good together and we should date, but I can't really be myself with him since he can't hold a conversation. SA is amazing, and I think he's awesome, but I just don't have feelings for him. TC is wonderful; he understands me very well, he tries to be interested in what I am, and he's so much fun to talk to and hang out with. TC is one of the greatest people I have ever met, and I could imagine actually dating him, but his best friend and I had a little thing a couple years ago that just fully ended about 6 months ago.
I'm afraid that if I choose one, that they might be the wrong one, and what if none of them are the right one? I want to not choose, but I can't stand leaving things in limbo like thing. What if I don't choose and one of them was the one? I've had so many screw-ups when it comes to relationships that I'm afraid to actually try again. The thought of dating very well makes me nausous, so the fact that I can picture dating TC with out emptying my stomach should say something, right?
If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it, and if you have any questions, I will answer as honestly as I can.
So let's get to it :
Life issue #1 - As a girl, I spent a lot of time when I was younger putting together what I thought my perfect guy would be like. He would have great music taste, prefer DC to Marvel, love horror movies, etc. Of course, it's not like I found him right away.
In the mean time I went through some romantic rough patches. Dating the male best friend didn't go so well, some were liars, and the one that I actually did love ended because I messed up. Oh, and let's not forget that most of my friends are gay, lesbian, bisexual, pans/omnisexual, transexual, etc. It's hard finding a guy my age that can handle that.
Currently I have really strong feelings for a guy that is NOTHING like what I had planned for in a dream guy. He's into RPG's, he has no taste in music, he has barely any idea of what Marvel and DC are, and he hates horror movies. To be honest, I think I might just love him, but I'm not entirely sure of my feelings yet. We'll call this guy TC.
There's this other guy that's pretty close to what I've always wanted. I had a crush on him when we were freshman in high school, and after certain events, we recently became friends after having not talked to each toher for a few years. We have the same tastes, and he secretly loves DC. The only thing is, he can't hold up a conversation unless it's through texting. He'll call me if he's worried about me, but it would be nice if when we're hanging out he would actually be able to hold a convo that lasted more than 30 seconds. We'll call this guy JB.
TC and I can and have talked on the phone all day. It's usually about the weirdest things, like how we wish cartoons and TV shows were like they were when we were younger. (What happened to Rugrats, Hey Arnold!, Code Lyoko, All That, Clarissa Explains It All, Hey Dude, Teen Titans, Power Puff Girls? I mean, What the Hell is Adventure TIme?! The cartoons and teens shows that are on now are ridiculous. Who wants to watch a sexually confused sponge, or animals in their underwear?) We dork out over anime/comi-coms. And we talk politics. He doesn't even mind when I show him new music since he doesn't really have a specific taste in it.
There's a third guy that we're going to call SA. SA is in a band, we have similar tastes in music, comics, and movies. We even both own dwarf rabbits. We talk about music all the time and introduce each other to really great bands that we would't have found otherwise. He's in a band himself, and they're really good. They're called the Unbearable Slackers. He's really sweet and I've known him for awhile. He's even checked out and helped me with my song lyrics.He's the embodiment of everything I wanted for m y dream guy, but I have no romantic inclinations towards him whatsoever.
So the main points here are :
1.) I have strong feelings, that may or may not be love, for a guy that is nothing like what I dreamed for.
2.) I have a crush on a guy that is pretty much everything I want, but there just really aren't any sparks. He and I undersdtand each other, but we just don't connect.
3.) I found my dream guy, but I have absolutly zero romantic feelings for him.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Everyone says JB and I are so good together and we should date, but I can't really be myself with him since he can't hold a conversation. SA is amazing, and I think he's awesome, but I just don't have feelings for him. TC is wonderful; he understands me very well, he tries to be interested in what I am, and he's so much fun to talk to and hang out with. TC is one of the greatest people I have ever met, and I could imagine actually dating him, but his best friend and I had a little thing a couple years ago that just fully ended about 6 months ago.
I'm afraid that if I choose one, that they might be the wrong one, and what if none of them are the right one? I want to not choose, but I can't stand leaving things in limbo like thing. What if I don't choose and one of them was the one? I've had so many screw-ups when it comes to relationships that I'm afraid to actually try again. The thought of dating very well makes me nausous, so the fact that I can picture dating TC with out emptying my stomach should say something, right?
If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it, and if you have any questions, I will answer as honestly as I can.
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