Six Years Wiser; Six Years Dumber

At 14, if I was told that everything I thought would last, would end….Well I would have argued. I would have used every word in the book to make you feel like a complete and total moron for even thinking that you knew my life better than me. I was 14; I knew everything. I would say that I know better than that right now, but honestly, I still wouldn’t take kindly to anyone claiming to know my life better than I do.

At 14 I had two of the best friends I could have asked for, at the time. I was a freshman in high school; thought I was so cool. Rules didn’t apply to me and I could do what ever the Hell I wanted. And I did. I made a huge mess of everything, but carried on through it. I was too proud to ask for help then, and sometimes my pride still bites me in the ass.

My Nanny was always going to be around. Back then, I never even entertained the thought that there would be a time when she wasn’t around. Sometimes it still doesn’t feel like she’s gone. I don’t know if she’d be proud of who I am now, but I know she would be happy that I started getting my shit in order. It hurts some day’s when I catch myself dialing her number in excitement only to realize that she will never be able to answer again. I may not believe in God or Heaven, even Hell, but I will always believe that Nanny is somewhere keeping an eye on us all.

My parents were never going to actually separate and divorce. It was something they discussed with us and talked to us about, but they were never going to go through with it. It had been a topic for years that just kept getting pushed off until I truly believed it was only ever going to be just talk.

I thought that I would always be living in my childhood home. I knew realistically that, that would never actually happen. It’s just the actual reality of it had never crossed my mind. Knowing something doesn’t always make it feel real until the actuality of it comes out of no where and bites you in the ass.

I knew that I never would be n good footing with my mother. And even now, it’s hit or miss most days. It was a horrible relationship. A lot of damage has been done to it over the years for it to be so easily repaired. It’ll take a lot more time for us to be okay with each other. There are too many differences in opinions, and both of us are too stubborn and firm in our own beliefs.

Back then, I truly and honestly thought I was going to be dead by the time I was 18. I had no faith in things getting better for me. I thought that I was going to end it all before I graduated and teach everyone a lesson about what their actions had caused. It  was selfish and I didn’t care. I wanted to make everyone else suffer for the pain I was feeling. The truth is that some of them didn’t really do anything to me. I was just placing all my aggravation at myself on them. I was so stuck in my head that I didn’t realize how much I was hurting myself.

Being liked and having a ton of friends was so important to me. The same thing that is important to every single freshman. It makes me laugh to think of how much all of us had in common with each other, even though we all tried to deny it. We walked around with an air of self importance, pretending we were better than everyone else. We thought we were special and that made us entitled to better things. Truth is, none of us were better than anyone else. We were stupid little kids pretending to be adults.

Six years isn’t really that long of a time. It’s such an insignificant amount of space compared to how long most of us will live for. It’s insane how much can happen in such a short time. Six years since Cory passed away. Since most of us had our first reality check; we were young, yes, but we weren’t going to live forever. It hit some of us harder than others. And he was just the first. There were so many more of us that died way too young. It gave some of us a wake-up call, while others took it as a sign to look down the bottle and find happiness in self destruction. We were all hurting, but acted as if we were the sole persons in pain.

In six years our entire lives have turned in directions that we probably never thought they would. My two best friends that I thought were forever…….I don’t really speak to either of them anymore. Now at 20 years old, they are both settled down with kids. April had hers junior year, and Laura is about to pop hers out. They were great lessons to be had, and the friends I wanted at the time. I will never regret that, but they weren’t true friends. Looking back on everything I went through with them, I don’t know how I missed the obvious signs. I was 14 and I just knew that those friendships would last forever.

At 17 I lost my Nanny. She was the one person I thought would always be around. I thought that no matter what happened, no matter how much shit I caused, that she would always be there to help me get back up and fix things. I thought I was always going to have that safe space to be completely myself with no fear or judgment, with her. I trusted Nanny more than I trusted anyone, and she took my secrets with her to the grave. She was going to be around forever so I never thought to prepare for when she wouldn’t be.

My family fell apart around me. It was drama and chaos. Aunts, Uncles, and cousins moving in and out. Too many people in one house, and getting on each other’s nerves. It was bad. The fighting was intense and it caused stress on already tense relationships. It was enough to make us moving out seem like the best idea. And I have to say that it really was good for all of us.

Mama started dating this guy. He was okay. She was happy and that’s all that really mattered. I didn’t particularly care either way. Okay, that’s a lie. I pretty much pretended that he wasn’t there. I pretended things were back to the normal I wanted. It was how I dealt with it. It wasn’t that I had a problem with Mama and Dad actually being done and over, it was just Mike. There was something about him that I didn’t want to be a permanent fixture in my life. I’m still not sure what exactly that something was; I just knew he wasn’t meant to be a permanent member of my very unique family.

Things with my mother could still be better, but we have more of an understanding with each other. Actually I don’t think understanding is the right word. We still butt heads, and don’t know why we act the way we do. We have some similar tastes, but are so far different from one another. More or less, we’ve learned to adapt to each other, which is good enough for now. I don’t know if we will ever have that ideal mother-daughter relationship, but we can be civil and act like adults. It’s nice getting to see what glimpses of that ideal relationship is like.

As for believing that I would have been dead by now, sometimes I find it a miracle that I’m not, With all the deaths of my classmates, I don’t know how I managed not to be one of them. Sometimes, I think it would have been better if it were me instead of one of them. All of them had so much to live for. They could have been someone great, doing something amazing. I’m not saying that I have nothing to live for, but I have made so many mistakes and fucked up so many people’s lives out of anger and spite. If it were me instead, then how much damage wouldn’t have happened?

At 14, I never would have thought that the only four people from my class that I would still be talking to after graduation, would be Megara, Nishant, Somma, and Josh. Megara became the best friend I could have ever asked for. At 20, I know what real friends are. I am extremely lucky to have such a large group of people that I can count on. I don’t know if I will still be as close with them as I am now in the future, but I’ve no doubt in my mind that most of them will still be in my life six years from now.

My friends have become the family that I never knew I wanted until I had them. They are insane and crazy. They showed me what I wish I had when I was 14. I love them all. Even when we piss each other off and we question why we put up with one another, I know that we will have each other’s backs through it all. Megara has become my sister in every sense except blood. I know that without a shadow of a doubt, that she will be in my life for the long haul. I would do anything for her, and I know she would do the same.

My mother is now having a kid with my step dad. I knew Mike wasn’t going to be a forever fixture. That spot was meant to be filled by Sean. He will never be my father, but he has been a part of my family since before I was born. Sean was meant to be with my mother. They are forever.

I have three parents that I know care about me, even if it’s in their own odd ways. I have three younger sisters, and brother on the way. I love them all so much. I would do a lot for them. We get on each other’s nerves purposely just because we can. We yell and argue over the dumbest things, but we’re sisters. An hour later, all is forgiven and we’re good again until the next time.

It’s funny how much everything can change in only 6 short years. At 14, I wanted to be a fashion designer. I was positive that, that was what I was going to be doing for the rest of my life. There were quite a few other ideas between then and now. At this point, I’m still not sure what I want to do or who I want to be. 6  years ago I wanted to design clothes, and be in the fashion world, but now I’m thinking of either going for culinary, or going to beauty school. The one positive thing I know is that I want to get a business degree.

At 14, if you were to tell me that I would be tattooed, pierced, and truly confident in myself, I would think you were trying to butter me up to get something from me. If you were to tell me that I would lose contact with everyone I thought I’d know forever, I’d have hit you for trying to make me mad. Back then, if you were to tell me that I was going to hit rock bottom and come out of it with a new life….. I don’t know what I would have done. I might have yelled at you for saying I was going to hit rock bottom, or I may have tried to flambé you with a vocabulary more extensive than most 14 year olds have.

At 20, I know that I made stupid choices when I was younger. I know that I had to learn from my own mistakes, and believe me, there are a lot of them. I am impulsive and don’t always think things through before acting. I don’t like asking for help, and I let my pride dictate my actions some days. There are days when all I want to do is make someone else hurt as much as I do. There are times when I just want to hurt some for the sake of hurting someone. My temper is a bitch to reign in, and I know I have to work on it.

At 14 years old, I knew everything. I was the smartest person, and everyone else knew nothing. At 20 years old, I know one thing for certain, and that’s that I don’t really know much of anything at all.

Broken Hearts, Pregnant Mother's, and Prom

Right now I have a migraine that makes me want to curl up and die.I haven't posted in a couple months and I know that if I don't post something now, then I'll be lazy about it. I'm going to keep this a short post, which you know is something that I'm usually not capable of doing.

Here are a few quick updates about what's going on in my crazy family/life:

1.) My Mama is pregnant!!!!!!!!!!! And it just may be twins. I will keep all of you posted as the pregnancy progresses.

2.) I am going to be Jetsem's date to her senior prom. Knave is going to be Ling's date.

3.) Knave and I got into a little fight, which I will post the details of later on.

4.) My stepdad is booting his freeloading sister out of the house. Thankfully. I will post more on that soon.

So I am very confused about what is going on with me and Knave. I don't know if it falls into Life Issues or Lessons Learned. I am just going to post it and hopefully some of you will have advice for me.

I am just going to copy and paste my convo with Beret Girl about the entire thing because my head is killing me and I really can't look at this screen for much longer. First, I'll put a brief synopsis of it that I sent to Tarzan. He currently wants to kick Knave's ass.

So here is what I sent to Tarzan about what went down with me and Knave:

Hey love! I need your opinion/advice/etc. Okay, so I fell head over heels for my friend Knave. I told him and we agreed just friends. Then later that night he told our friend, Watson that it's complicated when she asked if we were together. He pulls me into his lap and grabs my hand and flirts all the time. So I confronted him on what the Hell are we doing. He said that we were something, but he didn't know what. So this goes on for a bit and it just gets confusing. So I ask him on a date and he says no. His reason is that I am not Flotsom. She is my cousin, who Knave happens to like. I am not good enough because I am not her. She is dating someone. So I stop talking to him outside of group hangouts. We share the same group of friends so it isn't like I can vent my frustration without causing drama. I am not gonna do that to them. He just keeps flirting with me and acting like he didn't completely break my heart by telling me I am not enough because I am not my cousin. I have no idea what to do. I can't tell him to knock it off without causing issues and at the same time, even though I am mad at him, I don't want him to stop even though it hurts me.

Yeah, so I am just going to leave it at this for now. I will post my convo with Beret Girl about it tomorrow. This migraine is making me really sick right now.

Sincerely,
Irony

DNA Doesn't Make Them Family

In life we are lucky to find even three people that we can count on through anything. Three people that we can call true friends.

For me, I've never I had a close family. I have a large family and a lot of relatives  but we aren't a very close family. I don't really know anyone on my dad's side. I know my Uncle Al, who is the only blood related Uncle that I'm actually close to. My Grandma K, who I don't really get to see much. My Aunt Kathy, who passed away last March, and her daughter Jeni.

My mom has two brothers and two sisters. Uncle Richie and I are not close. He has this thing where he thinks he's better than all of us. My Aunt Nancy is a crazy, sociopathic, megalomaniac, and a pathological liar who had cheated on her husband and then married her first cousin.Uncle Stephen and I were close when I was younger; somethings can never be unsaid. We aren't very close  now. He has abandoned us in favor of his girlfriend's family. Aunt Joann was cool until recently; she pulled some stunts that have distanced us.

On my mom's side I only really talk to my cousin Danielle and her family, my cousin Jake, and the monster trio. Sarah and I were very close, but her mother is Aunt Nancy. I don't really see her all that much  now. I'm cool with Uncle Bobby and Uncle Jackie. Great Aunt Joann is sweet and Uncle Jerry is hysterical.

My family isn't really made up of people I'm related to. Aunt Cindy is my mom's friend, as is Uncle Brian. Aunt Heather is my step-dad's sister. Sarah, Jake and Noah are Brian's kids. They are my family along with my step-sisters, my sister, my Mama, dad, and step-dad. I got Poppop, but that's only when he remembers us. My friends count for the other half of my family.

As I said in the beginning, we are lucky if we can find three people that we can call our true friends. I am fortunate enough to say that I have found twelve. We are oddly close for such a large group.

I know that outside of the group I have Tarzan, but he lives in another state and we aren't as close as we were, even if we talk to each other quite a lot on facebook. Mad Hatter and I aren't really as close anymore. I still care about him a lot, but I have realized that there is a lot that I am not comfortable talking to him about. He is still my friend, but he isn't my best friend anymore. It took me going into Riverview to realize that. He wasn't one of the people I wanted to visit me.

My two best friends are Megara and PJ. Megara and I have been friends since middle school. We had our first jobs together. I can tell her anything and trust her with everything. She is my sister in every sense except DNA. She is a part of my family and I know that she will always be someone I can count on. I would do anything for her. She has done so much for me, and I don't think I could ever repay her enough for it all.

PJ and I were set up on a blind date almost two years ago. It did not work out at all. I little over a year ago we started to talk on facebook. I invited him to my anti-Valentine's party and that was it. We started hanging out more and more. In the last year he has become one the best friend's I could have asked for. Yes, there are times when we get on each other's nerves and we cannot talk comics without getting into a full blown geek-war, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. He's like family now.

Sunshine is now a Kitten, and I'm glad that my sister and I are close enough now that we can share a group of friends without stepping n each other's toes.

Beret Girl and I knew each other in high school but we didn't become close until she started dating PJ. She is one of the funniest people I have ever met. We both fangirl over Glee, much to PJ's annoyance. She helps Megara and I prank PJ, and she is just awesome.

Tweedle Dee and I knew each other in high school as well. We both love glitter and are determined to take over the world with it one day. We are DC obsessed and love the same manga/anime. When we fangirl, we fangirl all out.

Tweedle Dum is just the sweetest guy I have ever met. He is very respectful, a little loud, and a lot o fun. He's one of those people that there presence just makes everyone feel safe and comfortable. He doesn't judge (no one in the group does). He is a great friend.

Flotsom is my cousin. She is a sweet girl, and very fun to hang out with. She is crazy and entertaining. Love when she comes out with us. She is just adorable.

Jetsom is Flotsom's best friend. She is awesome. We have a lot in common and talk a lot. She is very understanding and always keeps things interesting.

Knave of Hearts is just really something else. He and I have the same taste in movies, and most music. We agree on a lot except Glee. I will convert him into a Gleek one day! I love him, but I'll get over that eventually.

Ling is another one that I can tell anything to. He and Megara are the only ones who know about Riverview in its entirety. He is very sweet, kinda awkward, and all over awesome. He's a very fun person, and always interesting to hang out with.

Big Mama seems like she is older than all of us, but she isn't. She is a fun person and has a lot of good opinions and talents. I can't wait for her to get back during spring break.

New to the group is Caesar. He fits in with us perfectly. Jetsom introduced him to us. He's funny and smart. In a few weeks he'll be perfectly integrated with the rest of us.

The Kittens have very little boundaries. We tell each other almost everything, and we are completely comfortable around one another. We have pretty much zero tolerance for bullshit, and will call each other out if we think one of us is pulling it. We have very little conflict, almost non-existent. We balance one another out, we act crazy, but at the end of the day, we have each other's backs. They are my family and I caouldn't have asked for a better one.

It doesn't matter that I am not e=very close with my blood related family because true family isn't really about blood. It's about the people who love you for you. The ones who came into your life and never left. Family is about the people who will have your back while letting you know when you are being stupid. They stick with you through the bad times, and make the good times better. They tease you, and frustrate you, but you love them anyways. You piss them off, and argue, but know that when it counts, you will stand back to back. At the end end of they day, I know that I have my three parents, my stepsisters, my sister, two uncles, two Aunts, and a few cousins that make up half of my family. The other half are the Kittens. They are all my family, my real family. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Timing Is Everything

Timing Is Everything

Toxic Friends, Learning, and Growing Up

This will be the first in a new type of post. I have the Life Issues, so now I give you Lessons Learned. There are those moments in your life that you realize something. There's an epiphany and you suddenly realize that something you thought of as one way really isn't that way. We are always learning. Sometimes those lessons aren't easy; sometimes they may take years to finally settle in.

I have recently had one of those moments. I have or more accurately, had, a friend that was toxic to me. She's a hypocrite and always has to have her own way. She says she wants to kill herself for attention, but really has no intention of doing so. She tells everyone that she has bipolar disorder when she's never even been to a doctor to be checked for it. She only says she has it so she can use it as an excuse for throwing temper fits and being a flat out bitch to all of us. She admitted it to Megara that she's never actually been diagnosed or treated for it.

She looks down on everyone who doesn't share her opinion. She uses her religion as an excuse to not do things. Her sister, who's the same religion, has told us that nothing in their religion says she can't go into an herbal medicine store. I practice natural healing, which is actually an encouraged thing in most cultures. She has said on more than one occasion that everyone who she doesn't like, and she really doesn't like anyone, should die. She hates people that she doesn't even know!

So here it is, the first installment of:

Lessons Learned #1

Red Queen and I have been friends since we were 13. We've always been close, with the exception of the year we didn't speak. She's always been a big part of my life. When I met her, I didn't really know who I was. I wasn't really sure of anything. Red Queen was so self assured and knew exactly what she wanted. She had strong opinions. I latched onto her. I let her opinions become my own for awhile. I didn't tell her if I happened to disagree with her. I stayed in the back and let her do what she wanted. I let her be my voice for years.

When we stopped talking for that one year, I found out different things about myself. I started to find my own voice and opinions. I had a backbone and could stand up to anyone, except for her. I stayed quiet, and let it go when she said or did something that I didn't agree with. She had been there for me for so long that I felt I owed it to her to not say anything, to listen and blindly agree. 

In the past couple of months, Red Queen has been showing her true colors more and more. It will always have to be her way or no way. She is only happy if I stay quiet, if I just agree with her. She gets mad if someone would rather talk to me than her. When PJ brought the two of us to one of his friend's concerts, she threw a fit because I got along better with everyone there than she did. Concerts are my thing, it's my scene, and it really isn't hers. When PJ's other friends were chatting with us and talking about music and our favorite concerts, I joined in. I've been to quite a few concerts, done some stupid things while at them. Red Queen hadn't been to a real concert before. She didn't have stories to share. Instead of asking us about our stories or even trying to join in, she stormed off. She had never been to the town the concert was held in before; it is mostly definitely not the place to be wandering around in at night, especially if you don't know your way around.

But I didn't get mad. I went to find her, and I thankfully did. PJ took over talking to her, and I enjoyed what was left of the concert. Eventually Red Queen chilled out and joined us. She didn't talk to anyone that wasn't me or PJ, but she was happy. I let it go. She was my friend and I had to be nice.

All of it had been building up to the breaking point, which was hit last night. It all blew up in a text fight of all things. Though if I had seen her in person, I might have killed her. 

Some background first. Abby (not her real name) and I were best friends for four years. things happened and our friendship ended up in flames. It took a couple years, but we had sat down and actually talked out what had happened between us. Her and I will never be friends again, but we had owed it to our former friendship and to each other to get rid of the anger and the grudge. Abby and I can respect each other now,  but we know and understand that we are better off not being in each other's lives.

When Abby and I were younger, she spent two weeks living with me because of her step father. Abby grew up watching her step father beating her mother. When she tried to stop him one time, she ended up with glass in her arm from a vase and a dictionary thrown at her head. She stayed with us until her wounds healed up enough. She is against domestic abuse and will never let her son be raised around it.

And all of you remember Morgan the Perv from my last update post? Yeah, the Red Queen was out hanging with him and Femme Fetale last night. Remember how Morgan beats woman? Especially the minors? Yeah, shit hit the fan last night. 

It started out simply enough. I was a little text that turned into a blow out fight that ended a seven year friendship.

Red Queen: Are you at the Commons?

Me: No. Why?

Red Queen: Just Wondering.

Me: Don't worry, none of us are  there.

Red Queen: Good.

Me: Next weekend though, we will be there. Good to know you're we aren't there.

Red Queen: Cause I'm hanging out with Morgan at this moment.

Me: I know. Called PJ to let him know not to go over there tonight. Didn't want him going to jail for beating someone not worth the effort.

(I would like to add that PJ has Morgan listed as "Kill On Sight". He will not forgive Morgan for what he has done to Flotsom. He does not like what Morgan did to Megara, my sisters and I.)

Red Queen: We aren't even there.

Me: You asked me. I took precaution. The group does not need another police incident. Especially at the Commons. And by that, I mean the cop who has it out for PJ's car.

(The Commons is the shopping plaza that our group of friends usually hangs out at on a weekly basis. And let us not forget the police incident that Morgan got himself into for getting Flotsom drunk and putting her in the hospital. Morgan is a 22 year old man. Flotsom is 17.)

Red Queen: I asked you to see if you were there cause they wanted to go. Now they don't.

Me: Ok. I didn't know that when I called. Again, would rather not have him (PJ) in jail. Breet Girl and I cannot get him to let go of the anger. It is a precaution.

Red Queen: Me either. But all of you need to get over this shit. You really do. You are all being immature.

Me: Not trusting him (Morgan) or not being comfortable around him isn't being immature. The anger may be. Forgiving someone for messing with your family is hard to do. Getting rid of toxic people in your life isn't immature; it's being an adult and moving on. Morgan is not worth being in some of our lives, and that includes my family's as well.

Red Queen: Yeah and you haven't done shit that isn't forgivable right? At least I'm being an adult and forgiving someone for what they have done. You are not being an adult at all. You are just really taking sides. All of you. I'm not on anyone's side with this. You all are being fucking immature about the whole damn situation.

Me: It wasn't your family Red Queen, it was mine he hurt and messed with. Not everyone has to be kept around. I will never agree with a man hurting a woman. I am not okay with an adult man acting that way with underage girls.

Red Queen: I was there he didn't do shit.

(That'/s funny. When the crap went down with Morgan and Flotsom, Jetsom was the only one who was there. And she was there when Morgan hit on my then 15 year old sister. She saw him getting way to handsy with Sunshine.  My parents saw that. My dad didn't like it one bit. She wasn't there when he inappropriately groped my 12 year old sister. Her sister saw that one though, and she made hi back away from my sister.)

Me: Red Queen, being an adult isn't taking everyone back in your life because they feel bad. Being an adult is doing what is best for you and the people you care about. Family isn't just blood and you forget that Flotsom is my cousin. It isn't taking sides. He is not good for my life and I am not having that toxic behavior in  my life.

Red Queen: No, you only knoe Flotsom's side of the damn story. You don't know the whole story. You didn't even get Morgan's side of the story cause you refuse to listen to his side. Yet you listen to Flotsom's. Okay, that is taking sides, Amanda. You, PJ, Knave, and whoever else took Flotsom's side and believed everything she said. You have hurt people too and they probably have forgiven you. Abby, for example, at least you both have a little respect for each other.

(That was the WRONG thing for her to say. First, Abby was the one who slept with the guy I was with. She hurt me. I didn't hurt her...until the revenge went too far, but I wasn't alone in that one. Second, Red Queen is using a victim of domestic abuse as a reason for me to forgive a grown man who assaults, and gropes underage girls. That was the breaking point. I couldn't handle Red Queen anymore. I couldn't sit back and let her think that everyone has to bow down to her. What kind of person uses a victim of domestic abuse to defend a domestic abuser?)

Me: I did listen to Morgan's side. I was on the phone with him the night it happened. I don't fully believe either of them. If you hadn't noticed, I'm not entirely comfortable with Flotsom either, but she's family. I don't want Morgan in my life for quite a few other reasons. It isn't taking sides when Flotsom is family so she will always be in my life. My problem with Morgan started the night we got into the fight at you house. That was before he even knew Flotsom. Wanna accuse me of picking sides? Learn why I don't want him in my life first. And Abby is a different story; we had about four years of being best friends. Her and I had history and she was a big part of my life, that's why I wanted to be on civil ground with her. I don't have history with Morgan. I owe him nothing. I will not be friends with someone that will only bring drama and anxiety into my life.

I'm sick enough, sweetie, I'm not going to bring someone into my life that will cause more problems then I can handle. Bringing him back into my life isn't worth the stress it would put on my body. I think looking after my own health is my top priority. Not your twisted version of maturity.

Face it, in 5 years we will be lucky if we still talk to even five of the people we are friends with now. If we're really lucky we may still be good friends with two of them. Not everyone is meant to stay and certain people just shouldn't be kept around. Not everyone has to stay friends and play nice, shit happens. Growing up and being an adult is moving on and handling what you have to. People come and go; not everyone we meet is our obligation to keep around. Not everyone moves ahead with us. Sometimes being an adult is moving forward alone. We are adults now Red Queen, it's time we started acting like it. Not everything can be fixed with apologies and not everything will work out. I will stop talking about Morgan if you can except that I have a right to not want him in my own life.

Red Queen: You aren't being an adult. You really need to get over it. All of you. You are acting like little fucking babies. And no you didn't fucking listen to his side. I know you didn't because you told me you didn't.

(Funny that she says I told her something I know I didn't. I said I wouldn't listen to him trash talk Flotsom and Jetsom at the table in the restaurant we were all sitting in. Not listening to him trash my friends is a different thing. I had already heard his side before that. I didn't need to keep hearing him tell the same story 20 different ways, using worse language to describe my friends each time.)

Me; I spent an hour on the phone with him crying about it the night it happened. Have the phone bill to prove it too. You aren't being an adult either. You can't respect anyone's opinion that isn't yours. I can tolerate Morgan enough to no longer bad mouth him but you need to respect my decision to not want him in my life.  That's a compromise. That is being mature. If you can't find a middle ground and will only accept your way or no way then this isn't going to work.

~~~~~~~~~~~

And that was it. Red Queen did't respond back. I did get a text message from Red Queen's sister though. That convo was as follows;

Lafayette: You & REd Queen stop fighting..

Me: I said my piece. I'm done now. She brought Abby into it and I lost it. I am very sorry if this is causing you any stress. You are one of my best friends and I don't want anything to come between us but I can't handle  your sister's high horse anymore. It has to be her way or you're wrong. I will not take her looking down on me for  not agreeing with her anymore; it's driving me crazy. I love you, but I  don't think I can handle Red Queen anymore.

Lafayette: I'm already stressed that my sister is possibly leaving the state. If you two are done being friends fine. Sometimes it's not meant to be. And how Red Queen is, that's how she is. You deal with her or you don't. I'm not discussing this anymore. It's done and over with. Move on. 

Me: As long as it doesn't affect out friendship. I still care about Red Queen, but like you said some things aren't  meant to be...not matter how much I wish they were. It's sad to know we're all growing up and apart. I just hope that we can still be okay.

~~~~~~

I haven't heard from either sister since. I love Lafayette. She's an amazing friend, but Red Queen is her sister and I understand that she's most likely mad at me. It's a tough pill to swallow, but the price of getting a toxic person out of my life may just being losing a friend that I truly care about. 

The lesson learned here is that sometimes the friends you've had the longest, aren't the ones that will stand by you. Just because you were close when you were younger, doesn't mean that they aren't hurting you. Sometimes you've been around it for so lang that you become used to it. You don't realize how much they are holding you back, how much they mistreat you until it's too late.

You may notice it, but think you owe it to them to brush it under the rug and forget about it. Sometimes you really need to stand back and think. Have they really done anything to help you? Have they ever given you a reason to owe them? Have you given more than they have? While you're working hard and stressing yourself out to keep the friendship going, are they even trying? How do they get us into thinking that we owe them at all when all they do is use us as doormats? The truth is we don't owe them and we don't need them. Sometimes the most toxic people in our lives are the ones that we thought were our closest friends. 

Not everyone is going to stay with us forever. We will stand alone sometimes. We may feel like we made a horrible choice in getting rid of the people that are bringing us down, but it will get better. It may not seem better now, or it may seem brighter instantly. Eventually everything will work out like they're supposed to. If we can count on one hand, the number on friends we know will stand behind us and have our back, then we can count ourselves lucky. 

True friends are hard to come by, but we can't keep the toxic ones around because we're afraid of what will happen when they're gone. It will just end up hurting us in the long run. So get rid of the toxic "friends", be strong if you have to stand alone for awhile, because the friends that are worth it, the ones that will stand by you through everything, they will find their way to you eventually. You just have to keep moving forward and know you made the right choice. 

If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it, and if you have a question, I'll do my best to answer it.

Until next time,  I wish you well.

 

Sincerely, 

Irony. 

New Year, New Adventures, Same Crazy Roller Coaster

Things have been a little hectic over here but that's no reason to neglect you guys. I'll give you a little rundown of the chaos. 

1.) The deli is closed down. We were told right before Sandy hit. So I am out of a job. 

2.) My great-grandmother died last month.

3.) My sister, Sunshine, turned 16 last month.

4.) My youngest sister turned 7 on the 2nd.

5.) Femme Fatale's little brother passed away right before Christmas.

6.) My Pop-pop is in a nursing home now. He cannot go back home or my Uncle will get arrested for elderly abuse. Not sure if I already told y'all that.

7.) Sunshine got herself a boyfriend!

And lastly, I have a new cast in my life. Out with the old in with the new! I realized that certain people just don't belong in my life anymore..though there are some that I still have worked up the courage to kick out of it. I keep trying to reason my cowardice by saying that I'm moving to Canada in April, I just don't want to cause drama now.

Sunshine ~ My now 16 year old half sister. We possibly have different fathers. My mother isn't too sure on that one. She just got her first boyfriend. She has one of the worst attitudes I have ever seen. It's to the point she's just saying things to purposely hurt everyone around her. Bitch.

Brighty ~ My 12 year old step sister. She has ADD, and is a little out there. She likes to thin that she's older than she is. We've been trying to get it through her head that she can't keep chatting up people she doesn't know online, and we really need to get her to stop giving out her cell n\umber to them!

Chunk-a-Muffin ~ My youngest step sister. She is adorably pudgey. She is full of energy and imagination. Though she tends to say things that we have no clue where she learned it from. (The dreaded "I'm gonorrhea-saurus!" phrase from August....)

Megara ~ As always, we have my best friend. She has finally raised her GPA enough to transfer to the school she actually wants to go to. Let's hope Spidey-boy gets jealous enough to confess to her.\

Mad Hatter/Hatter ~ My baby! He is and always will be one of the most important people to me. I may have outed him and his boyfriend to some of my family...whoops!

March Hare/Mad March ~ My hopefully, soon-to-be brother-in-law. The Mad Hatter's boyfriend. He calls me his sister now!

Femme Fatale ~ She has finally decided to stay single for awhile. About time! And she is kicking Morgan the pedophile top the curb! (I will explain about him after this.)

Dodger ~ He's still the same. Only now I can actually stay pissed at him. So getting even with him..he needs to not treat me like I can't do anything!

Cheshire ~ I wish we could talk more, but things just get really crazy sometimes. Cross continent friendships are hard, but we've managed for about 3 years now.

Now we have everyone else. They are the group that calls them selves the Kittens. Megara and I belong in this group.

P.J.~ This is the new name for Dee. He finally managed to land himself an awesome girlfriend. That's something the Red Queen isn't exactly thrilled about. He's happier that I've seen him in awhile.

Beret Girl ~ P.J.'s girlfriend! I new her in high school. She's pretty cool and very fun to be around. We always have a great time when we all go out. With her in the group, we have added some more of our hometown friends. The group has become lighter and more fun since she joined.

Red Queen ~ She is still the same. Causing drama and getting mad at us for no reason at all. She's starting to get on every one's nerves, including her own sister. We are all walking on eggshells to not piss her off, lest she kill us all. She is currently with a beau but she is extremely jealous of P.J. and Beret Girl's relationship.

Lafayette ~ Formally known as Tiger Lily. She is still the same crazy girl she was. We've started hanging out more again, and I'm glad. I may not get along with her sister half of the time, but at least it isn't straining our friendship.

Tweedle Dee ~ He is fabulous! He shares my love of Batman and all things DC. He's a Naruto fan, pansexual, and completely amazing! I've known him for a couple years and it's great actually being able to hand out with him without all the drama.

Tweedle Dum ~ He is amazing with cameras. I shouldn't be surprised since he's amazing at TV and production club. He's a great person to be friends with, and he's very understanding. He's one of those crazy fun people that have a really comforting presence. 

Big Mama ~ She hasn't been in the group long, but she is fun and definitely someone I can't wait to hang out with more.

Flotsom ~ She is a little ball of hyper-active sexual energy. There is no other way to put her. She's entertaining and fun to be around. She's adorable. Her and the Knave of Hearts have sexual tension that is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. They would make an adorable couple if they just got their act together, and actually got together.

Knave of Hearts ~ He is only 16 but when we're all hanging out, it's really easy to forget that. I wouldn't have even known. When I first met him, I thought he was 18/19. He runs track, is sexy as all Hell, and happens to be so sweet. I stupidly have ended up with actual feelings for him. It's so fucked up. Not only is the 3 year age difference a big deal, he's in love with someone else, and she happens to be dating an ass hole, but has no problem having her mouth attached to him at all times when they are hanging out. I know in 10 years the 3 year difference won't be a big deal, but right now it is. I'm leaving in a couple months and will be gone for almost a year. By then Flotsom and Knave should be happily together. Doesn't make make the pain in my chest hurt any less, but I know it's best this way. With the exception of Megara, the Tweedles, PJ and Beret Girl, no one knows. Well Lafayette does...some of them figured it out, and they all just tried making me feel better about the whole thing. I don't think I would've made it through that night without some of them.

Jetsom ~ Flotsom's best friend. She is one of the most interesting people I have ever met. She is truly one of a kind, and I'm lucky I got to meet her. She made an interesting impression on my dad and Sunshine. I hope I stay friends with her for a long time.

Ling ~ He is the most normal of the group...and that's saying something about us. Our friendship started quite interestingly. Alcohol was involved..and he had to help me in my house because I couldn't walk straight. I almost would've went out with him, but I'm glad I didn't. I like him better as a friend.

Okay! So now it is time to explain Morgan the pedophile!

So it's a long story.....I will just summarize it. He was friends with Lafayette and Femme Fatale's ex. He tried to hook-up with me, I introduced him to Megara. He Made inappropriate passes at my then 15 year old and 12 year old sisters. He's 22. He threatens to leave me a far ways from my home because I said I  wouldn't marry him..I'd only known him a week. He yelled at me when Megara turned him down. We find out he keeps a lot of naked pictures of his Ex gf's on his computer. He buys some of the Kitten's alcohol. We all get drunk. He gets Flotsom drunk a couple times after this when it was just her. It ends up with Jetsom going outside to see Morgan screaming and going nuts on Flotsom, and her crying on the ground. He proceeds to trash talk the two of them, then quite a few of the Kittens. He tries to talk about me to Megara through texts while I'm sitting across the table from him. I get mad and tell him off. He talks about me to Jetsom. Megara tells him that we are half-sisters, and he finally leaves her alone. He gets engaged to a 16 year old that may have given him Hep C. They enter a triad with Holez. That ends with a restraining order, the 16 year-old's head bashed in a wall, and Morgan doing a quick stink in the Nut House. Him and Hoelz decide to be together. after a couple weeks they decide they want to have a baby. Now it's been a month and they are engaged. Lafayette told him off 2 days ago, as did Femme Fatale. He isn't talking to any of us now. He told Femme Fatale that he didn't want to hear it when her little brother died, but he expected her to listen to his relationship problems. He is an ass hole.

That's a quick recap of everything since the middle of October. It's been fun, crazy, depressing and totally fucked up. Glad the year is finally done, but I know new problems lie ahead, and I'm ready for it. It's a new year, and I'm not exactly the same as I was but i'm still me. I'm ready to kick ass this year. The Kittens will be taking over! And hopefully my book will be published. Look forward to the up coming year everyone! In a couple months, all new people will be coming in. A whole new life in another country! Be prepared because Heaven knows I'm not!

Until next time,

Sincerely, 

Irony

Princess, Working, and Martyr's For Attention

Have you ever worked with that one person who has your boss wrapped around their pretty little finger? The co-worker who suffers bare minimum consequences for things that you would get fired if you even considered doing? The one who knows that no matter what they do, they won't get fired? In this instance it happens to the fairest of them all; our own little princess, Snow White. Give her a round of applause, but only if you're a guy, since that's the only attention she can hold.

We all have this one type of person in our lives. They went through something difficult in their past and made it through spectacularly, but then they start to put themselves in even more hard situations that they could have easily avoided. They turn themselves into a martyr, the never-ending victim. The put themselves into hardships to get everyone's sympathy.They can never be at fault; no matter what they do to anyone around them, they will convince everyone that they are the only victim.

Life Issue #5

On Sunday September 30, Snow White came to work high off of her ass. Megara was hanging out at the deli for a bit. Mufasa, Snow White and, I were the ones on shift. Well the ever intellegent Snow White told Megara and I that she had smoked pot before coming to work and was effectively stoned out of her mind. She almost took me out with a cutting board, Megara had to apologize to customers for Snow White's behavior and Mufasa and I had to fix all of her mistakes. She screwed up orders, couldn't speak right and had no clue what the hell she was doing!

Megara had informed my father and Frollo about what Snow White had done. Mufasa and I told them the exact same thing and apparently so did a customer.They were mad for like two days and then nothing.A slap on the wrist and she was good to go!

The day after she got caught, dad and Frollo called Snow White into the office and they told her it was a slap in the face and they were upset with her. They took it too personally. They told her that more than one of her co-workers said something but she somehow only blames me for it. She told Megara that I was a bitch, and that I need to mind my own business. She makes all of her business everyone else's business, but that's another story I'll save for a couple paragraphs after this one. She told my dad that she does all the cleaning on Sundays and that all I do is talk. (Let's just take a break for a second to clear a few things up:
1.) I close pretty much everyday, so I clean up the morning worker's messes 5 days a week. They don't really clean because they know someone's coming in after them.
2.) She only cleans on Sundays. That's the only day a week that she does it!
3.) She spends all day talking; she tells the regulars about everything going on in her life. She saddles up to Frollo and my dad to give them all the latest gossip from her life. If you won't talk to her, then she'll throw a temper fit and tell everyone you're being mean to her for no reason. And she spends all day on her phone!) Now I'm the first to admit that I like to talk, and I do slack sometimes, but if someone points out something that I'm doing wrong, then I will try my hardest to not do it again. You wanna know who's side they're on? The stoned little princess.

Yes, you read that right. Snow White comes to work high, and Megara and I are the ones who get yelled at after. All Snow White had to do was complain about us, and they were all for jumping on our backs over it. Nevermind the fact that Snow White always lies to them, plays them and they know it too. They know she's lied to them more times than she can count.....wait that's only to 5 and I'm being generous. Okay she's lied to them more times than the deli's accountant can count. Go figure that they took her side, she has such redeeming qualities, no?

If we have a problem with her, then they tell us to handle it ourselves, they say, "Well, what can you do?" Well you know what? Fuck that! Fuck the bullshit! And fuck the moronic little princess to the darkest depths of the Hell that she believes in!

For some background on Snow White, know that this isn't the first time we've had issues with her since she started at the end of February.

Snow White had been in an abusive relationship with a man 20 years her senior when she started. After a month of working with us, she left the bastard and moved in with my dad. She would continuously go back to Georgie Porgie (this is what the ass shall be known as), and let my dad think that he had a chance with her. She fucked with his feelings and with his head just because she could.

Now don't let Georgie Porgie's abusive nature towards her fool you, she gives just as good as she gets. He'll hit her, and she'll hit back. He controls her, and she manipulates him. They fight, hurt, accuse and break each other, things get better for  few weeks and the whole sick cycle carousel starts all over again. Snow White isn't as stupid as she acts; she knows what she's doing. She plans out how to get Georgie Porgie to do whatever she wants while making him think it was all his idea.

I don't agree with domestic abuse, I think it is disgusting and horrible, but Snow White has had so many outs. She got away from him, and was doing great, but when we all stopped showering her in attention because she was actually safe now, she went back to him. She likes to abuse and she likes the fight.

Snow White is one of those people who isn't happy unless everyone else thinks they aren't. She likes everyone trying to make sure that she's okay when she's perfectly fine. Her and Georgie Porgie are dependent on each other's misery and pain. They aren't happy together but they're miserable without one another. They can't function unless they know the other is going to be there for them to hurt and break down. They get off on being able to anger one another, making each other cry; They break one another down to their worst, and most vulnerable and continue breaking each other down till there's nothing left for themselves but each other. It's disgusting, but they are worse people when they aren't together.

When Snow White wasn't with Georgie Porgie, and right after they got back together the first time, during those two months, she manipulated my dad. She flirted with him, even though she knew that she would never stray far from Georgie Porgie. She knew that she was never going to give my dad a chance, but she continued to play him to gain slack at work, which ended up with everyone else having to work harder because she barely was.

Snow White may claim to be a very religious person, but she is one of the biggest sinners that I know. She thrives on attention and playing with males' feelings. She has little in the way of remorse and she will take down anyone that stands in the way of her getting what she wants. Right now Megara and I are standing in the way of her keeping all the leeway she's gotten at work. She's already got Frollo and my father wrapped around her dainty little finger; she talks shit about me and has my father defending it!

Let's face it, the real Snow White's issue was that she was too pretty so females hated her and all these guys were falling all over themselves to help her, and letting them think they were coming up wit the terms when in fact, she set the terms.She sat back and let all these different guys do her dirty work.The Snow White I work with, she has pretty much no female friends because she gets mad when they don't fall for her bullshit. She has mostly guy friends, and she let's them "choose" what she does, but she leads them all around by the nose. She has the guys around her finger, and tricks them into doing her dirty work. They really aren't much different. All together, Snow White is one pathetic excuse for a princess. It's a good thing she's pretty because she really does't have much else going for her; her personality is shit.





So the main points here are:

1.) Snow White came to work high, and barely got more than a slap on the wrist. Megara and I are paying for it. (The only thing I know is that Snow White's paycheck was affected.)

2.) Snow White only blames me for them finding out about it, and is targeting me.

3.) She has the bosses wrapped around her finger so no matter what she does, she'll never get fired for it.

*Bonus*

When we had the first issue with Snow White, Megara actually had to take a vacation from working at the deli because Snow White's manipulations on my dad were too much to deal with. It's starting to get to that point again for her. Snow White has no respect for anyone around her.

I don't know how things are going to play out now. We have a staff meeting later on today since it is now past midnight. Megara and I aren't going to say anything. It isn't worth it. Snow White will never get in trouble and the blame always falls on Megara and I. If they ask why we aren't talking, "Well what can you do about it?" And, "It is what it is."

If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it, and if you have a question, I'll do my best to answer it.

Until next time, this is Irony wishing you well.



Sincerely, 
~ILive4Irony417 a.k.a Amanda.